Alameda Daily Noose

July 4th: A Day to Celebrate Our Journalistic Independence

2010-07-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

As the great island nation of Alameda prepares once again to honor the Alameda Daily Noose and me with its annual parade, we cannot help reflecting modestly upon the many years of service that we have given freely to our Right-Thinking fans, holding aloft the eternal flame of Alamedaness. In that journalistic endeavor, no-one yet has been able to fill our estimable shoes. Not even the mighty Dave Williamson was able to pull our noble editorial pen from the loathsome ash tree of Wrong-Thinking that we had impaled with it. Beset the while by chit-chit-chittering Squirrels as annoying as the notorious Ratatoskr of ancient Noose mythology, young Dave strove with all his strength (except for that which he expended on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity) for three months to gain mastery of that pen, even practicing with an electronic simulator, but to no avail. I, Roger Grumbel, was forced to step in again to show the younger generation of Alamedans how it is done.

It is just such masterful decision-making that defines the truly great editor. No set of journalistic rules, however comprehensive, can replace the daring independence of a Noose Man in the Classic Sense. There are times when one must throw off the chafing chains of fact and fly free. There is no telling where true journalistic integrity may take an editor next. Sometimes, it may even lead to some city that is not Alameda, as unexpected as it may seem that there would be anything worth noting outside our Treasured Isle. You need not fear for our safety when we go to such lengths in pursuit of items for publication, for there is always a place reserved in the Noosemobile for our faithful canine companion, Scoop, who will face any danger, with the possible exception of cats and some other things.

But let us not forget that the foundation of any noosepaper worth its salt is a firm grasp of the history of Alameda. The Alameda Daily Noose and I make sure to remind our readers of the details of long-standing institutions that should be common knowledge, such as our Secret Police. Yes, from the time of Alameda's discovery in 1492, up to our current travails under a Bagpipe-hugging President, our every scrap of history must be preserved, perhaps in some of those enormous hangars that were recently discovered in western Alameda.

It is only right that today Alameda should celebrate us, who bring you all of those noose stories and more. Of course, we are too modest to say it ourselves, but it must be obvious that we embody that ancient Alamedan legend: in Alameda's hour of greatest need, a hero braves the leaping magic flames to awaken a sleeping noosepaper. With that hard-won prize, he goes forth to fight the never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Alamedan way.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Becoming Less of a Greenhorn When It Comes to Green Living

2010-07-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

I want to thank my readers for the neat tips they sent in on canvas shopping bags. I never would have thought of using them more than once! I'll have to try that out, along with some of those other suggestions.

Thanks to this kind of helpful feedback, I've been discovering that some of the information I gave in my past columns wasn't always 100% right. For example, it turns out that putting a bucket in your shower doesn't work the same way as a plastic laundry ball (not that my laundry ball has been working all that well lately). The way the bucket really works is that it catches the water that you'd usually let run down the drain while you wait for it to warm up. Then you can use that water for something else, like maybe maintaining your water garden. Who knew?

It just goes to show that, no matter how green you think you are, there is always more to learn. So keep striving, green Alamedans! And if those green pick-up lines work for you, you might soon be passing on your earth-friendly wisdom to your own bouncing baby environmentalists.

Roy Avery Doesn't Frighten the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

2010-07-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

Editor,

You've gone too far this time, Roger Grumbel. You've insulted the honorable clan of bagpipers, of which I am a proud member, by calling us a "bunch of cowards." You'd better run for the hills, Grumbel, because the next time I see you in a safe, well-lighted, public place with plenty of people around, I'll be asking if you want to call me a coward to my face! We'll see who's the coward then.

Roy Avery,
Bagpiper, peat bog afficionado, and staunch supporter of tartan-oriented development

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit frightened by Roy Avery's threat. We feel perfectly safe here at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, and have been peeking outside at frequent intervals to make sure that we really are safe. Besides, Roy Avery knows that if he ever tried something as reprehensible as speaking to us in public, we would slap a restraining order on him faster than you can say "huge, intimidating Scotsman who must stand at least 5' 4", and who smells menacingly of bluebells and daffodils."

Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes

2010-06-30T05:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Roger,

It seems like it's been months since you reported on the Bagpipe situation in Alameda. I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to feel about Bagpipes, and reading that confusing book by Alameda author Danielle MacSteele didn't help.

Could you please let me know how worried I should be about Bagpipes? Lately, I've been having to do most of my worrying and complaining about Zeppelins instead.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

You can be sure that if there had been any untoward Bagpipe in Alameda recently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would have reported on it. Obviously, we have those tartan-wrapped ruffians, the Bagpipers, on the run. That bunch of cowards must have been driven right out of town by our unrelenting critiques. Their ear-splitting racket was no match for our journalistic integrity, which just proves the old Alamedan maxim that the pen is mightier than the chanter.

One-Third of Alameda Breathes Sigh of Relief after Mighty Hunter Bags Mammon-Eating Beast

2010-06-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Editor,

My fellow Alamedans will be relieved to know that I have returned unscathed from my most recent tax hunting safari. As we all know, the tyranny of ferocious tax beasts has long forced us all to enjoy social services that we do not even desire. Only when every one of the savage monsters has been eradicated will we be free from public schools, paved roads, waste collection and countless other wasteful services. Therefore, I sally out as often as I can (without unduly worrying my wife) to confront the dangers of taxation and bring them to the ground.

This time, I managed to bag the King of the Fiscal Jungle, the vicious, notorious Measure E. This is a victory in the fight against predatory taxation. Some say that Measure E was able to swallow an entire bank account in a single bite, although I feel sure that it would have choked had it tried that with my bank account.

Although it may seem amazing that I can defeat a fearsome tax beast single-handedly, the truth is that the lone tax hunter is assured of victory in any one-on-one battle. Only if there are two or more of them against one is it time to retreat and live to fight another tax another day. Don't listen to those bleeding hearts who oppose the wholesale slaughter of taxes. We must destroy as many of the creatures as we can if we are ever to achieve fair taxation. I welcome any red-blooded Alamedan who cares to join me on my next tax-hunting expedition.

Ned Elksfield

Bright, Young Marketing Maven Loves the Alameda Daily Noose

2010-06-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

Editor,

Good Afternoon! My name is Ashley and I’m part of the Promotions Team here at racksandstandsrus.com. We have been seeking out high quality websites and blogs, gauging interest in doing a giveaway with one of our sites. We love the look and feel of your blog and think that your US and Canadian readers might be interested in a giveaway with our sites.

Have a look at a couple of our sites and let me know if you think that this might be something you’d be interested in. Perhaps we could give away a selection of our racks and stands! I’d be happy to brainstorm some other ideas with you if you’re interested. Alternatively you could do a review of something from our site. Please let me know if you have any questions for me. I hope to hear from you to further discuss the details of the giveaway.

Kind Regards,

Ashley

**Please note: If are unable to reply to this message for any reason, please email my alternate email address at completelylegitimatebusiness@geemail.com and I will get back to you. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure that many of our readers are likely to be in need of a source for high-quality racks and stands. We are seriously considering ordering some and writing reviews of them, since we are so adept at reviewing things. Don't feel that you have to wait for our reviews before purchasing any racks and/or stands for yourself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have legendary levels of sales resistance, so you can be sure that when we are interested in a product or service, it's not because we are swayed by the girlish charms of some slick, unprincipled wheeler-dealer. We can tell from her naive use of asterisks that Ashley is an innocent, straightforward type who could use a few pointers on the rack and stand business from an experienced reviewer.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Shopping Green with Canvas Bags

2010-06-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody! I recently learned that doing your shopping with your own canvas bags is better for the environment than those paper ones they give out at the stores, and they're even more planet-friendly than plastic bags. Why? Well, I'm not sure about that part yet, but I've noticed that canvas is nice and sturdy. They don't tear when you put heavy or sharp-cornered things in them, and they're easier to lift in and out of your hybrid SUV thanks to those substantial handles. I'm especially eager to use the clean, green bag I picked up at one of our fine local businesses, because it advertises the importance of supporting environmental superstar countries like China by buying their products in our local stores.

The only problem I've had with canvas bags so far is that they take up a lot more room in my trash containers than the plastic ones. There must be a solution to this. Maybe my readers have some suggestions. If so, I'll be sure to pass them along to the rest of you.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

2010-06-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010

Editor's Comments:

City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!

This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010

City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.

So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn't brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.

Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010

Editor's Comments:

We can't decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it's high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010

Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010

Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010

Special ARRA Meeting - AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010

That'll Teach 'Em!

2010-06-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I hear that the preliminary results on the Measure E parcel tax show it losing by a whopping 1.28% of the vote so far. I just couldn't be happier! It's about time we stuck it to those greedy school kids. The nearly 1/3 of Alamedans who are tired of having to always pay taxes that supposedly provide "public services" are tired of being pushed around by the 2/3 of voters who want to waste our money on decadent extras like paying teachers enough to live on. Why, in my day, teachers were always starving to death in their unheated attic rooms, and I ended up getting a perfectly good education from those starving teachers.

It's obvious that there is a lot of fraud, waste and abuse in the school system, because it makes up such a large part of the state budget. But if Measure E is defeated, we'll be well on our way to a bright new future of the good, old-fashioned one-room schoolhouse, where the students can darn well chop their own desks up for firewood to stay warm instead of expecting us to always pay for expensive heating systems. That'll teach 'em!

Georgina Jones

Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems

2010-06-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.

Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.

Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.

Brenda Snook Says Community Needs to Get Creative to Fund Education

2010-06-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I believe that every child should have the opportunity for a free, public education, but this parcel tax we're supposed to be voting on is the wrong way to fund it. It's a complicated issue, which is why the City should put a moratorium on public education for a year or two, to give us time to figure out what would be a fair way to pay for it.

So, if we all just vote against Measure E, then we can start over and get people involved in the process this time. Maybe the community can come up with some really creative ways of funding public education, preferably without anyone having to pay taxes for it.

Brenda Snook

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Summer Fun!

2010-06-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

Happy summer, everyone! I know I'm a little early, since it won't be the official first day of summer until Monday, but it's the perfect time for some summer green living tips.

Usually at this time of year, I'd be getting ready to load the family into the hybrid SUV for a trip to Yosemite or to Disneyland, but have you seen how much it costs to get a whole family into Disneyland these days? I am seriously interested in saving some of that green for other things this year, like our suddenly-readjusted mortgage.

That's why I've come up with a better plan for family fun this summer: we'll just rehash our old vacations! There are plenty of photos from other trips that we can look at together to relive the excitement as a family.

We can say to the kids, "Remember the time when we went to Disneyland and spent half our time in the cinema, because after that we went on a ride, and Chad felt sick afterwards, and then he threw up and we all ended up going home because it turned out he was coming down with the flu? Wasn't that a lot of fun?"

Wow! I could really get used to this armchair traveling, and I'm sure the kids will love it too. So why not get started today with saving some green by recycling your family vacations?

Bah! Global Grumpiness Summit to be Held in Alameda

2010-06-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just heard that a conference on grumpiness is scheduled to be held this fall on the U.S.S. Hornet. Apparently, the main goal of the conference is to "identify the 10 things we can do over the next 10 years to raise the Global Grumpiness Index (GGI) by 10 points." Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I can see the value of increasing Global Grumpiness, the conference organizers obviously didn't consider the horrible traffic impacts that they will have on our Treasured Island when all of those outsiders drive through town on their way to the Hornet.

As one can easily see from the photo below, showing the participants in the first annual Global Grumpiness Summit a number of years ago, Alameda could very well have a few things to teach the conference about Grump. Despite the fearsome facial hair and defensive postures of some of the individuals in the photo, certain of them look almost cheerful. Right-Thinking Alamedans could quickly put an end to that. However, any possible benefits to them of holding the conference here would be outweighed by the enormous imposition on those of us who live in Alameda.

That means it is time for us to use the power of our grumpiness. If enough Alamedans start complaining about the conference right now, we might be able to save them the trouble of holding it at all; Alameda is already responsible for a larger percentage of the world's Grump than any other comparably-sized city, so if we double our output, we could probably raise that index by 10 points in no time. The Alameda Daily Noose and I already do our part, so it's up to our less-diligent readers to pick up the slack and get grumpy.

Annoying Phone Calls, Letters and Yard Signs

2010-06-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I support Measure E to fund Alameda schools, but I'm sick of students calling me on the phone to remind me to vote for it. I'm also sick of getting fliers about it in the mail, and seeing letters about it in the local papers and signs on people's front lawns. And I can't stand it that people are talking about Measure E wherever I go.

Why can't the schools just run a nice, quiet campaign instead of getting in everyone's face with annoying methods like public advertising and word-of-mouth?

Misty Poynte

Editor's Comments:

Although we are puzzled by Miss Pointy's inexplicable stance on Measure E, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit that she has hit the nail on the head when it comes to annoying political campaigns. There should really be some kind of law against people urging other people to vote for -- or even against -- ballot measures.

Coho Jenkins Just Can't Wait for Alameda Daily Noose Election Guide

2010-06-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been told that a certain Mr. Jenkins has been making noises about not having enough information for the June primary (he also seems a little confused about the election date, much as Brenda Snook was). We certainly understand that all of those candidates and propositions can be confusing if you don't have a firm grasp on the Right-Thinking way to make voting choices. That's why the Alameda Daily Noose Generic election guide is indispensible for just about any election. We were going to wait until closer to election day to re-publish our famous guide, but since there is such a demand for it, here it is now:

Governor

Vote for the fresh-thinking outsider who will root out the rampant fraud, waste and abuse in government, solving our budget problems once and for all. Look for the man (or woman) of action, who won't just think outside the box, but will blow up all of the boxes, making it impossible for anyone to think inside them again, and leaving other politicians blinking in the unaccustomed light of day. If we could only just once elect such a governor, we'd be out of this mess in no time.

Lieutenant Governor

Just vote randomly on this one. Nobody even knows what the Lieutenant Governor does, so it can't make any difference who we choose.

U.S. Representative

Vote for the candidate who is not a fruitcake.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

County Supervisor

Vote for the candidate who is not an evil robot. If all of the candidates are evil robots, vote for the one who is a good evil robot.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:
Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:
Raises taxes.
Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
Sounds suspicious (it is).
Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.

Flag Day, Alameda Style

2010-06-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan knows which flag to fly highest today, of course, but let's not forget about the other fine flag traditions in our city. This is a great day to display symbols of community values such as our solidarity against Squirrels:

And, those who live in certain neighborhoods may want to send a reminder to their neighbors to respect the peaceful sanctity of the holiday by refraining from excessive noise-making:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will be flying all of these flags proudly today, and more. It's a great day to be an Alamedan.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Turn Green While Getting Rid of Unwanted Oil

2010-06-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

Forgive me if I'm not my usual chipper self today. I've been losing some sleep over the oil spill that is still going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Every time I close my eyes, I see those oil-covered birds again. It makes me feel green around the gills, and not in a good way. Just when I think that I have a lid on my anxiety, and that everything is going to be okay, more bad news comes pouring out of the gulf. I sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end to it.

But then, thank goodness, there was a bright spot in the news recently: BP is going to start burning some of the spilled oil to prevent it from polluting the ocean!

I was amazed to hear that. I'd never thought of burning oil to dispose of it. When my husband and I change the oil in our hybrid SUV, we usually just pour it down the storm drain (I know there are signs telling you not to, but everybody does it anyway, right?). Now that BP has shown that burning oil is better than dumping it in the water, though, I think I'll try that next time we change our oil. It's hard to believe that all of that yucky-looking black smoke is okay for the planet, but it must be, right? RIGHT??

Frieda Bellows Questions Need to Keep Alameda Schools Open

2010-06-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I keep hearing people say that we should pass the Measure E parcel tax so that we can keep all of Alameda's schools open. But how can we be sure that there will be any teachers to teach in those schools? The state of California keeps cutting our funds for teachers, so eventually there probably won't be any teachers.

Sure, it would be nice to keep having schools in Alameda, for people who like their children to be educated (although I personally don't think education is really necessary now that you can look up everything on the interwebs). But we don't really have any control over whether there will be teachers for those schools. It might be better if we just accept that kids in the future are going to have to learn everything from their computers, and stop trying to plan our community around schools.

Frieda Bellows

Lon Geddoff Tries a New Kind of Doughnut

2010-06-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

As you no doubt are aware, I like donuts. I just wanted you and your readers to know what happened to me this morning.

I was taking my usual morning constitutional, which consists of me getting into my XXL-sized diesel King-Cab truck, driving over to The Donut Hole over on Encinal Avenue, and picking up a dozen donuts for my brunch enjoyment. Well, I was running a little late this morning because of really interesting report on "Wake Up Alameda" about non-Alamedans sneaking past a lackadaisical border patrol with the intent of causing harm to us. By the time I got to the Donut Hole, they were out of my usual Powdered-sugar-dusted cinnamon donuts. At first I was outraged, but then I realized that I didn't have any choice in the matter -- what would I be without my morning pick-me-up -- so I opted for all that was left, the coconut sprinkle flavor. The owner kindly threw in an extra one for me to try and make up for my dismay. (making it a "baker's dozen" -- get it? He is a baker, and I got a "baker's dozen" donuts from him!)

Anyway, what I wanted to report was that I found that this new flavor was absolutely delicious! I had no idea that I had been missing out on this for the last 36 years since my beloved dachshund passed away and I started this morning ritual to fill the gap in my life. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should change over to getting coconut-sprinkle every day, or should I go back to my normal flavor, or should I do something really daring and try a completely DIFFERENT flavor tomorrow and all the days to come? Perhaps you or your readers can give me some advice.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are dedicated to bringing our readers late-breaking developments in the Alameda doughnut situation such as the cinnamon-sugar crisis Lon Geddoff mentions. We hope that our readers will have some suggestions for helping him through this difficult time. For example, when I go to The Donut Hole, I like to get a fresh-baked Alamedian, because it reminds me of John F. Kennedy's famous statement of solidarity with the citizens of our embattled island: "I am an Alamedian." We all knew that he meant he was an Alamedan, and not a type of doughnut named for our city, but it's still funny to think of a doughnut being our leader.

Brenda Snook Is the One Who Is Confused about June Election Dates

2010-06-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

Rog,

I think you may have gotten the dates of the two different June elections confused in your yard sign round-up. The primary, which is the election with all those propositions, is actually this week, on the 8th, not on the 27th, which I don't think is even a Tuesday, by the way. The school parcel tax ballots are the ones that need to be mailed by sometime near the end of the month, to stop them from over-taxing us even more.

It's understandable that you made a mistake, considering how complicated this month is, voting-wise, but that's all the more reason not to get people even more mixed up with inaccurate information. Could you please publish a correction so that all of your readers will be sure to get their votes in?

Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

We know we shouldn't have to keep repeating this, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I never make mistakes. We don't know where Brenda got the idea that we had confused two different election dates, but she is welcome to go to her polling place today if she believes that it's time to vote already.

Election Yard Sign Round-up: A Special Report

2010-06-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

Last year, our scoop of noose showing the only pro-measure-B (and thus, anti-measure-Acorn) sign to be found in Alameda demonstrated our journalistic integrity and also helped preserve Measure Acorn.

This year, with the election just around the corner (Be sure to vote on Election Day, June 27, or mail in your ballots by June 26) we here at the Alameda Daily Noose thought it would be a good idea to take a drive around the island and see what yard signs are on display, and get a sense of what the public is thinking (and also to keep tabs on any non-Right-Thinking Alamedans).

Naturally, the most popular signs are all the variations of the "Keep Measure A(corn)" signs that are on nearly everybody's lawns, even after nearly four years. We know that there are different sides to the issue, and that the yard signs don't always agree but what we can all agree on is that Measure A must be preserved for all eternity.

As for the current state propositions, we here at the Noose can never keep track of all these confusing numbers, but fortunately the yard signs have made the choices clear.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening your Election

2010-06-04T05:18:00.000-07:00

Wow! I just found out that any candidate or proposition on the June 8th ballot can be made environmentally friendly with just a little bit of the other kind of "green". There's an organization called "Californians Vote Green" that can make it happen if you purchase placement in one of their fliers.

Now that I know about this, I am definitely going to vote for all of the candidates and propositions recommended by "Californians Vote Green". If I had known about it earlier, I might have chipped in some money to get even more propositions on the green list, so that I could feel even better about voting. We all know that buying green products is good for the planet, so the more of the election we can buy, the better! I think it's wonderful that even something as random as changing laws for automobile insurance can somehow become good for the environment. I don't really understand it, but I'm sure going to vote for it!

ACLO, Bastion of Immorality and Inaccuracy, to Shut Down

2010-06-03T05:03:00.000-07:00

Alameda Civil Liberties Opera (ACLO) announced yesterday that they have closed their curtains for the last time. Their press release cited "financial difficulties due to the recession" but we here at the Alameda Daily Noose know better.

First of all, there is no recession. The economy is going great, and as columnist Janet Marchant will tell you, it's also going green. Why, all you have to do is look at the fact that the oil companies are allowing millions of gallons of crude oil to gush freely into the ocean (thankfully, not the ocean attached to Alameda, so we don't mind) to show you that our oil-based economy is doing just fine if such untold riches are allowed to go to waste.

But the Alameda Daily Noose and I digress. We know that the theatre company has closed up due to public pressure, no doubt something we helped bring upon them. Wasn't it vigilant ADN reader who helped expose the red-light district that ACLO was trying to establish? And remember when ACLO was begging for money right around Christmas time a year ago, when clearly they had already gotten money from ticket-purchasers? (How uncouth!) How about when ACLO admitted in a letter to the Noose that the theatre was haunted? Surely they must have known they were scaring patrons away -- not good business acumen if you ask us!

Worst of all ACLO offenses was the way that their "operas" (How can they be operas when the performances were always in English?) portrayed life in Alameda so inaccurately. Case in point: West Side Story, which reader Lynn Irving reviewed and exposed as a sham. And then there was Ragtime, produced last year, which peddled an unlikely story about immigrants (still shuddering!) to Alameda, and falsely depicted a green, torch-bearing statue in nearby estuary waters. There is no such statue anywhere off the coast of Alameda; the Daily Noose and I checked.

It's high time that this bastion of thespianism is closed for good. We say Good-bye to ACLO, and trust that hereafter, the perilous world of opera will never again darken Alameda's doorstep!

Alameda Daily Noose Proudly Supports Freedom of Right-Thinking Speech

2010-06-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

A certain technology-savvy youngster just informed the Alameda Daily Noose and me that someone out there in the interwebs has suggested that we ought to censor some of our content. Now, we realize that some of our investigative reporting can turn up shocking revelations, but anyone who thinks it would be better to hide ugly truths from Right-Thinking Alamedans is clearly not familiar with the fundamental principles of running a high-quality noosepaper.

For starters, this is a family noosepaper, so by definition, we select only the noose that is fit to print. Beyond that, we scrupulously allow anyone to say whatever the he—uh, that is, heck they want about our stories, as long as they agree with us. We do not now, nor will we ever censor. Furthermore, we publish every single letter that is submitted to the Daily Noose, except for the ones that we don't.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are known for being completely unbiased in our reporting, and for treating every issue with the seriousness that it deserves. Freedom of speech is a cherished right for all Alamedans, except for the 15% who foolishly voted in favor of turkey sandwiches, which no true Alamedan would ever do, thus proving that those turkey-huggers don't actually live in Alameda if they do in fact exist at all.

Slow Noose Day

2010-06-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

With Memorial Day observations past, and the lingering scent of backyard barbecues lulling even the savage Squirrels into complacency, the Alameda Daily Noose and I find ourselves facing one of those days in which nothing truly Nooseworthy happens. The pace of unwanted changes has slowed to a snail's pace, and no amount of prodding can induce the populace to get off the dime and start complaining.

We know that we should be glad. Complete lack of change is exactly what Alameda needs, after all. And yet, something is missing from our lives when we are not in the fray of outraged grump, dodging errant insults meant for others. But as summer heats up, and the heat makes Alamedans crankier, we're sure to be back in the thick of full-blown complaining in no time.

A Day for Sober Reflection on Journalistic Valor

2010-05-31T05:57:00.000-07:00

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out many times before, today is a day to not only honor the memory of those who have given their lives in defense of Alameda, but also to recognize the valor of the journalists who risk life and limb to bring the stories of those conflicts back to the folks behind the lines.

You might think that reporting all through the battle to stop Alamedageddon, as we did, would risk enough limbs to last anyone a lifetime, but it turns out that retirement is not easy for those who feel the thrill of journalistic integrity pounding in their veins at the mere mention of Squirrels or Bagpipes threatening our Treasured Island. Perhaps, in the end, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to be carried from the field of journalistic valor, as others have been before us. If so, it would be a worthy end to our selflessly noble career.

We have heard rumors that, in a lesser-traveled corner of the interwebs, there still stands a monument to a journalist whose Right-Thinking may have rivaled our own. It brings a tear to our eye to think that one day, the Alameda Daily Noose and I might also have our passing marked by a simple masthead, glowing eternally in the darkness. Meanwhile, our city still needs us, and like those brave men and women in uniform, we are ready to report for duty.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Enhancing Your Green Guy's Environmental Energy

2010-05-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

This column is especially for all of my green sisters out there, so anybody reading this who doesn't have at least two X chromosomes might want to stop reading and go put some gas in the hybrid SUV or something. Now, I'm not one to make broad generalizations, but let's face it: men are just not as environmentally conscious as women. You know what I mean, ladies. So often, your husband or boyfriend just can't quite keep up with you when it comes to living greenly. My own husband means well, bless his heart, but he sometimes can't work up quite as much enthusiasm for saving endangered species as I can. And then, or course, there's the little matter of getting the recyclables into the right bin, and remembering to close the lid afterwards.

Those are the kinds of little problems that can happen to any guy who's trying to live in harmony with the planet, and in harmony with a woman who loves the planet almost as much as she loves him. That's why I was so excited to discover that there is now a way to naturally enhance a man's green living prowess! It all started when I got an e-mail message from someone I don't exactly remember meeting (maybe it was at the beach clean-up last year), saying that her spouse had gotten fantastic results with a new "green male enhancement" supplement. As far as I can tell, this product is an all-natural herbal capsule that strengthens a green male's commitment to the environment in kind of the same way that ginkgo enhances memory.

Wow! It's yet another good idea from that green product powerhouse, China! By following the link in the message, I was able to order a sample pack of the supplement to try on my own "green male". I plan to secretly mix the contents of a capsule into his organic 50-grain muesli tomorrow morning. I'll let you know if the stuff really works for bringing out the planet-saving tiger that I married, and that I know is still in there somewhere. Don't tell him anything about this, though, because I want to avoid the placebo effect. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I know it has something to do with getting your money's worth out of herbal supplements. And you know me—I like to save some green as much as I like being green!

Baloney Protects Alameda From High-Rise Sandwiches

2010-05-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

Editor,

Spin, spin, spin! That's all we hear from these paid shills for Big Turkey. Alameda rejected turkey sandwiches, end of story. Baloney won 85% of the vote against the turkey, limburger and anchovy option, which means that baloney is the only thing protecting this island from the threat of high-rise sandwiches.

The citizens of Alameda need to know what secret agenda David Jones is hiding behind his ridiculous claim that some people actually like turkey. I demand that someone provide me with all of the information there is about turkey producers, turkey sellers and turkey sandwich makers in Alameda, but not in some 500-page, hard-to read document. It needs to be easily digestible.

Basil Rand

The Greatest Love of All

2010-05-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I am so sick and tired of people trying to bully me into voting yes on Measure E by telling me they believe the children are our future so we have to teach them well. I don't know about you, but I'm not about to let these pushy little brats lead the way, especially if it means showing them all the hard-earned beauty I possess inside my wallet.

Those parents who say they believe "the children" are "our future" should be honest enough to admit that its THEIR CHILDREN and THEIR FUTURE. Not everyone elses. Certainly not MINE becuase MY kids already GOT their public education, and they did it without this stupid parcel tax, too. What does it take for all you selfish people out there to get it through your thick skulls? I got MY future all taken care of and YOUR future is not my problem!

I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how guilty people try to make you feel you should not be afraid to say no to new taxes. Dont be ashamed of your money. Not only should you protect it from all those grabby-handed kids, you should hold it close and embrace it warmly. After snuggling up with those wads of cash for a while, I think you will finally agree with me, learning to love your wealth, it is the greatest love of all.

Tamara Barbaras

Reader Who Voted Against Turkey Sandwich Still Claims to Love Turkey

2010-05-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I don't understand how Jean Kerkwilligers can conclude that no-one in Alameda likes turkey sandwiches, just because more people voted for the baloney sandwich than the turkey, limburger and anchovy sandwich in the sandwich shop poll. I love turkey sandwiches, I just didn't think I would enjoy a turkey sandwich that also had limburger cheese on it. If it hadn't been for that cheese, I would have voted for the turkey instead of the baloney.

There are lots of reasons why people might have voted for the baloney sandwich instead of the turkey, limburger and anchovy one. To say that the vote proves that the sandwich shop shouldn't offer any kind of turkey sandwich is just a load of baloney.

David Jones

What Has Park Street Merchants' Association Done for Business Owners Lately?

2010-05-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

Editor,

It's so sad that no-one besides me is doing anything to support Alameda businesses these days. More and more stores have been closing lately, which is mainly the fault of the Park Street Merchants' Association (PSMA). Businesses in the Park Street district don't get anything of value for their membership dues to PSMA, except for a newsletter and a few mixers where they are expected to waste time getting to know their fellow merchants and perhaps discussing how to help support each other and foster a successful business district together.

What exactly is PSMA doing to help keep businesses afloat in this difficult economy, apart from their usual street fairs that bring tens of thousands of people downtown, and the occasional ads for Park Street in local and regional papers and at the local theater? I mean, apart from helping businesses obtain façade and sign grants that have spruced up many store fronts along Park Street in the past few years, making them more attractive and visible to shoppers, and apart from the extensive streetscape project that brought improved sidewalks, benches and trees and many other benefits to the district, what has PSMA done? Sure, PSMA helped support the renovation of the historic theater, which is nice, but they must have known at the time that there was a huge economic downturn coming, and that it was going to take a lot more than people coming downtown for dinner and a movie to give any kind of boost to surrounding businesses.

Clearly, PSMA's lackadaisical approach to promoting Park Street businesses has had an effect on our entire community. Some businesses have been closing on Webster Street recently, too, like the New Zealander, and the Skippy peanut butter plant. What did PSBA do to try to prevent those closures? And I'm not sure how, but the serious problems with Greece's economy must also be the fault of PSMA.

Of course, I can also blame my fellow Alamedans for all of those problems. Instead of driving off to cities that are not Alameda to do their shopping, they should be buying things here, whether they need them or not. Why should people buy balloons and party favors only when they are throwing a birthday party? And why is it that people only go to restaurants when they are hungry? Everyone should be patronizing local businesses as much as they possibly can. I have 62 pairs of waterproof yachting boots in my closet right now that I haven't worn yet, but I try to make sure to support every one of Alameda's shoe stores at least once a week. And yet, it's still not enough. Please, somebody, give me a hand here! Go buy some ice cream, or scrapbook supplies, or new power tools, or something.

Lane O. McHail
PhD, MBA, CFC
Celebrated Yacht Racer and Muralist

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Save More on Gas Than You've Ever Dreamed of Spending!

2010-05-21T05:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy! It's time again for my family's annual trip to the dealership to pick up one of the very latest hybrid SUV's. Springtime is the perfect time to spring into gas savings with a new, high-powered vehicle that will be the envy of all your green friends and neighbors. We always make sure to test drive the biggest, heaviest new models we can find, and see how difficult it is to park them, because we know that the more times we have to drive around a block looking for a space we can squeeze into, the more gallons of gas we are saving with the hybrid over a comparably sized vehicle without that miraculous feature. (Somebody once tried to explain to us the difference between the amount of gas saved and the total used, but it sounded complicated, so we just stick with our maximum gas savings rule.)

Yes, I know it's hard to think about buying a new car in these tough financial times, but when you think about how much money you'll save by filling up the tank of a hybrid SUV instead of an ordinary one, you'll see that you can't afford not to buy a new vehicle.

I'm not sure what our best option will be this year. The hybrid Behemoth looks like a nice model, but so do the Travesty and the Circumnavigator. We're just going to have to drive a bunch of different ones to make sure we can all be happy with our choice for the next ten or twelve months. So if you're looking to save the planet (and some serious gas money), maybe we'll pass each other on our test drives!

The Island Has Spoken: You Can't Argue with 85%

2010-05-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Rog,

As we all know, a certain local sandwich shop recently asked patrons to vote on which was their favorite sandwich of two that were new to the menu, and the baloney sandwich won with a whopping 85%! The losing sandwich was turkey, limburger, and anchovies, and it's obvious from the results of the vote that this community has resoundingly rejected turkey sandwiches. The island has spoken.

So, you can imagine my shock when I was in that sandwich shop recently and saw that they still have turkey sandwiches on the menu! There's turkey with Gruyère, turkey with Swiss (which is just like Gruyère, but with a reduced density), and even some "green" sandwich with organic turkey, lettuce, and avocado. I thought we were through with that! Turkey sandwiches should all have been run out this town on a rail right after the vote.

It's clear that everyone who voted for the baloney sandwich did it because they are opposed to turkey. You can't argue with 85%! That means that any bonehead who voted for the turkey, limburger, and anchovy sandwich doesn't understand that turkey is wrong for our community, and they don't deserve to have any say in local sandwich making. I can't believe that the sandwich shop is still accommodating those morons.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Reader Says Don't Ban Pot, Ban the Really Dangerous Stuff

2010-05-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

Editor,

How could you be so irresponsible as to publish, without comment, that inflammatory letter about medical marijuana dispensaries last week? Frieda Bellows is blindly discriminating against people like me, who have serious illnesses that are not contagious, and who find some relief in a drug that is prescribed to us for those conditions. She wants to make our lives even more difficult, not to mention unpleasant, by forcing us to drive to some other city to fill our prescriptions.

It would be a far better use of Ms. Bellows' time to blindly discriminate against another group of people: those who drink alcohol. Now there's a drug with no medical benefits. And yet, our City Council allows it to be sold in sordid wine bars, and in restaurants don't even really serve Italian food, as far as I can tell.

Some of these alcohol outlets are practically right across the street from a school! What are we teaching our children? Do we want them to think it's normal to drink a glass of wine with dinner? Do we want them driving drunk, dying of liver disease, and cutting off their own ears before gaining fame for their impressionist oil paintings? I say no!

The responsible thing would be for Alameda to close down all establishments that suppy alcohol, whether they are close to schools or not. The scourge of Chardonnay, and even harder stuff like Reisling and even Shiraz, has afllicted our community for long enough! Pot clubs are no problem, though. So, don't ban pot. Ban the really dangerous stuff.

Luella Pitt

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would criticize our well-known policy of publishing every letter we receive, with the sole exception of those we do not. Furthermore, just because we do not prick a the author of a particular letter with our rapier wit in one of our signature editor's comments does not mean that we were not thinking of dozens of insightful and damning criticisms as we published the item.

Alameda School Teachers Selfishly Reject Solution to Budget Cuts

2010-05-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I have quite sensibly suggested a solution to the Alameda Unified School district's budget shortfall: stop paying the teachers. Unfortunately, those selfish teachers have made it quite clear that they have no intention of giving up the generous salaries that they earn for "working" only nine months of the year. Why, they're not even in the classroom for all eight hours of the workday, so they probably should never have earned more than part-time pay anyway. I mean, playing around with a bunch of kids for a few hours, what kind of work is that? It sounds more like fun than work.

Teachers get to do things like grading papers and making lesson plans. Doesn't that sound like fun? I'd sure rather do that than write papers, or take tests.

And who wants to listen to a lecture? It must be much more fun to give them. In fact, those teachers should pay the kids to sit and listen to them blather on about whatever it is they were saying when I was in school.

I hear that a lot of teachers already save money by sharing their attic rooms with other teachers and their families, so they must be able to live a life of luxury with all of that extra moolah!

And we all know that the best teachers are the ones who do it because they are dedicated to the welfare of children, so they should be motivated to do it even without pay. That's why it's ridiculous that they expect us to keep paying parcel taxes to fund their salaries.

Vin Ek

Oh, the Humanity! "Hindenberg" (sic) Disaster of Tardy Reporting, Bad Editing Hits Alameda

2010-05-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were recently shoveling away a heap of yellowed local newspapers that had collected in that hard-to-reach corner of the front porch, when a rare item of some actual interest caught our eye. It was an image of a flaming Zeppelin hurtling towards a crowd of innocent soon-to-be-victims on the ground beneath it.

At first, we thought that our direst warnings about Zeppelin traffic in Alameda had come to pass, but of course there is no way that such a catastrophe could have escaped our notice. Puzzled, we took a closer look, and burst out laughing when we realized that the second-rate excuse for a "news" outlet was just now getting around to reporting on the long-ago Hindenburg disaster.

Our years of reporting on the Zeppelin problem have finally alerted those less gifted reporters to what's happening in Alameda. At this rate, though, they will never catch up to the most recent Zeppelin incidents. After all, the Hindenburg did its damage seventy-three years ago (which, by the way, means that the fireball hit in 1937, not 1936 as those sloppy editors seem to think), and Alameda has almost completely recovered by now. It's sad how out-of-touch with reality those self-described "journalists" are, but it just goes to show that no-one else in this town can come anywhere close to the Alameda Daily Noose and me when it comes to getting the scoop.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: A Big "Excuse Me" for One of Mother Nature's Little Hiccups

2010-05-14T05:24:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you've still been a little worried this past week about the big oil spill that's still gushing in the Gulf of Mexico. I mean, yes, it was reassuring to remember that these days, offshore drilling is "safe enough," which must mean that the spill isn't really much of a problem, but a little part of me was still wondering why it isn't a problem.

Then, as I was driving around town in my hybrid SUV, the answer came to me out of the ether, floating on radio waves. You see, what we've all been forgetting is that crude oil is natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is, so all of the wildlife in and around the ocean should be just fine. Oil comes from the earth, and the earth is good, so the oil must be good too. It's as if Mother Earth just had a little hiccup that just happened to be caused by a man-made oil rig exploding. All of the fish and waterfowl in the Gulf are no more in danger than if they were animals on the side of a mountain peak with perfectly natural molten lava (also a product of Mother Earth) running down its sides in all directions. And if the oil spill is no more damaging than volcanic ash and lava would be, I can't imagine that there will be any bad economic consequences for fishermen or anyone else.

Hooray! At last we can stop worrying about the spill completely, and get back to saving the planet by buying biodegradeable forks from China, and using them to help us get rid of as many of those shamefully polluting cows as we can. In fact, I think I'll hop in the SUV right now, and go buy some steaks. Better yet, maybe I should load up the family and we can get those steaks cooked for us at our favorite steakhouse, where the T-bones come from Texas, and are almost as big as Texas! Come to think of it, enjoying some of those steaks would be a great way for people in Texas to pass the time while their beaches naturally de-oil themselves.

Everything Old Is Noose Again…Almost

2010-05-13T05:29:00.000-07:00

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were on the brink of a major breakthrough in restoring the classic colors of our interweb noosepaper, but then our technical advisor was called away for his piano lesson, leaving us with less-than-satisfactory results, as you can see. Somehow, instead of the time-honored black lettering on a yellow background, we ended up with very bright lettering on an extremely dark background. Obviously, no-one would choose such a strange color scheme on purpose, and we assure our readers that we will get the problem fixed just as soon as we can get that grand nephew to hop on his skateboard and scoot back over here to finish the job.

Of course, none of this would have been necessary if it hadn't been for a certain Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur who had the nerve to mess with success, and not clean up after himself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't stand people who don't clean up their messes.

Marlene Verloren Longs For the Way Things Were

2010-05-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Rog,

Now that you are Chief Editor again, when are you going to change the colors of the Alameda Daily Noose from that hideous blue back to soothing yellow and black? I long for the way things were.

Marlene Verloren

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been waiting for some technical assistance in the matter of getting our old colors back. A certain silicon valley entreprenuer claims to be too busy to help with that, so we are going to have to find a time when a certain ten-year-old grand-nephew is caught up on his homework enough to take a look at the problem.

Crazy, Evil Renters Persecute Helpless Measure E Opponents

2010-05-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Editor,

An ancient horror has returned to Alameda. Not since our fair island was a colony of England has there been such an outpouring of Puritanical persecution against people who own homes. It is the crazy, stupid, evil-genius, communist renters who are behind this modern witch hunt. They have as good as admitted that they would milk us dry and walk away smiling. They will not be forced to pay higher taxes if the Measure E school tax passes. No doubt, their noble landlords will shoulder the senseless burden alone, not asking so much as an extra penny in rent as compensation.

Those who dare speak against the Measure E parcel tax are being cruelly tormented by those lucky renters, who have been so harsh as to publicly disagree with us! That is exactly what happened to Anne Hutchinson, who can be seen in the attached illustration bravely bearing the Alameda Unified School District's sharp entreaties to her to help them educate children. Note their exaggerated gestures of shock as Anne declares that her daily Frappuccino is more important than the principle of guaranteed education, and that being forced to make her own coffee to save money would be a living death for her. I feel such a kinship with her, as I bought my home after careful calculations of how large a mortgage I could assume while still having just enough money for Frappuccinos.

But now, facing the possible renewal of a tax that I couldn't possibly have anticipated, I feel so helpless. Why, oh, why can we not have a reasoned debate in this town, without people resorting to hyperbole and demonization of their opponents? A curse on all you brainless renters, buying Frappucinos with the money you've cleverly saved by not buying a home! I fear this election may be my last....

Miss Schell

The Real Danger of Pot Clubs

2010-05-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

Editor,

It looks like our City Council might have done something right for a change, they banned medical marijuana dispensaries in Alameda. As somebody pointed out, who would want one of those on their block? We all know who goes to that kind of place. It's sick people, and they could all be contagious!

That's the real danger of pot clubs. I mean, do we want the children in our neighborhoods coming down with dialysis, or maybe even a bad case of the munchies? And think about all of those glaucoma sufferers who would be parking in front of my house by mistake because they couldn't see the dispensary well enough!

Anybody in this town who's sick enough to need marijuana should just drive to some other city to get it. That would be a whole lot safer, and better for everyone, especially me.

Frieda Bellows

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Spill, Baby, Spill!

2010-05-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

I'm thrilled to have Roger Grumbel back as the chief editor of the Alameda Daily Noose! That's good news for all of us.

Unfortunately, there's been more bad news lately for Mother Earth. I heard that there has been another oil spill, and although it's not in our own bay this time, it's even bigger and nastier than the one that had me down in the dumps last fall. There was a big explosion on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, which was enough of a disaster itself, but then it also left oil leaking into the Gulf (which I found out is right up next to the United States!) Now oil is washing up on beaches in Louisiana, as if all of that hurricane damage weren't enough.

Now, there aren't many environmental disasters that get me more agitated than an oil spill. Whenever I think of nice, clean waterfowl being smothered in globby oil residue, I want to get out the organic dish soap and start scrubbing them down myself. There must be tender-hearted people doing just that right now in Louisiana, but what can we do about it here in Alameda? I've already done my part by switching my household from 3-in-1 to corn oil, and many of my friends have been inspired to do the same (or have just stopped lubricating machinery altogether) but it's looks like that's not enough. I just can't understand where all of that oil goes when it's not leaking into sensitive marine habitat.

While I was puzzling over that mystery, though, I remembered something that somebody very experienced and heroic and authoritative sounding said about offshore drilling just a year or so ago: "It's safe enough." I'm not sure why, but just hearing someone say that is reassuring. The key to easy green living is knowing when to stop worrying.

Why Does Dawn Diamond Hate Grass So Much?

2010-05-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I hear that troublemaker Dawn Diamond is at it again. She had the nerve to suggest that people might want to replace their lawns with plants that need less water and fertilizer! Doesn't she know that we are still in a drought? That means that we have to use as much water as we can, before it runs out.

She even claims that a friend of hers who went through with some hare-belled scheme to chop up her sod, actually likes flowers. Now, I'm not opposed to flowers in general, but who in their right minds would want the things cluttering up their front yard? Here in Alameda, we have big expanses of Kentucky Bluegrass, and that is the one thing that makes this a great town to live in.

Clearly, Miss Diamond is trying to force us all to do something we don't like, all the while pretending that there are people who might actually enjoy saving water and having something other than grass in their front yards. Hah!

I just have one question: why does she hate grass so much?

Frieda Bellows

Editor's Comments:

The vast majority of Alamedans have already voted in favor of grass with their front yards. That means it's time for shills for Big Florist, like that dweeby Dawn Diamond, to be quiet and accept their crushing defeat.

Reader Appreciates a Firm, Steady, Experienced—Not to Mention Handsome and Dashing—Hand at the Wheel

2010-05-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Roger,

Is it true? Are you really taking over the Alameda Daily Noose editing for good? I hope so, because Dave Williamson has been a huge disappointment. Since he's been in charge, it's gotten so that I hardly even know what's going on in this town that shouldn't be.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

Yes, it's true. Popular demand, paired with Dave Williamson's extraordinary dedication to the upcoming Miss Grumpy Alameda pageant, has finally persuaded me to take the helm of this noosepaper once again.

Journalistic Torch to Be Passed to Older, Grumpier Generation

2010-05-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

It is with a profound mix of melancholy and impossibly high expectations that we at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda announce the latest development in the illustrious career of Dave Williamson, our chief editor. For many a long week, Dave has labored in the nooseroom to bring you inside information on our Right-Thinking community in the most technologically up-to-date way possible.

Many of you, of course, do not fully appreciate what an outstanding job he has been doing. But that is beside the point. Whether you realize it or not, you will soon be deprived of the advantages of his full-time editorship, as his ever-increasing responsibilities as Miss Grumpy Alameda's press agent make it impossible for him to continue as editor without sacrificing the renowned quality of his work for the Alameda Daily Noose. As of tomorrow, the role of regular editor will be resumed by former editor Roger Grumbel. Although Roger may be a poor substitute for Dave Williamson, we grudgingly admit that he is the best man for the job under the circumstances.

Letter Writer's Gallinaceous Gall Sure to Ruffle Right-Thinking Alamedans' Feathers

2010-05-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

Editor,

Wait. You're making fun of the chicken census? ["We're Not Chicken, Unlike Some We Could Mention," April 28] Be very careful. Backyard chicken owners are a very powerful group in this town. Most of us won't go on record, because we're afraid of retribution. But let me assure you: we are the silent majority in this town. We are backed by off-island chicken farmers with very deep pockets in their overalls and we will take our complaints to the highest coop in the land.

Signed,
Another Alamedan CIMBY
(Chickens In My Backyard)

[Editor note - we here at the Inaction Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda have no idea where the anonymous coward who wrote this letter got the idea that our hard-hitting coverage of the so-called chicken census was meant as some kind of joke. Clearly this delusional reader has us confused with that pathetic, unfunny, sophomoric, juvenile parody site that we have heard has a name very similar to an established Alameda Noosepaper - of course, we wouldn't know for sure, because we would never stoop to actually read such garbage ourselves - and which we shall not mention here for fear of giving it far more publicity than it deserves.]

Editor's Comments:

Now listen here, Dave, the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't know, but maybe this CIMBY letter writer has a point. It certainly seems plausible to us that somebody who's so busy running around with Miss Grumpy Alameda that it is left to us to provide proper coverage of the Sciurine Menace might just have missed some subtle aspects of the chicken census story as well.

[Editor note - Rog, you may have been a great noose man in your day, but you clearly don't understand basic logic. It's a well-established fact that you can't count your chickens before they hatch. Furthermore, everybody knows that the egg came first, not the chicken, because the egg is what hatches into a chicken. Thus, reasoning from first principles, which are like eggs because they come first, chickens themselves simply cannot be counted. Therefore, it's obvious that the so-called chicken census actually refers to the counting of scaredy cats - colloquially known as "chickens" - not the birds that hatch from eggs. It's really quite simple, but if you still can't get it through that head of yours, stop by my office and I'll draw you a diagram.]

Editor's Comments:

You can't talk to me like that, you young punk!

[Editor note - Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, old man?]

Editor's Comments:

Maybe you'd like to discuss that with the Alameda Daily Noose and me in a little editorial conference in the dark alley behind Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters—that is, unless you're…chicken…

[Editor note - Oh, dear! Is that Miss Grumpy Alameda I hear calling me? She does have a very loud voice. Sorry, Rog, but I have to run…maybe some other time…]

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Un-greening Our Tomatoes!

2010-04-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so disappointed. Just as I was starting to learn about how good local, organic produce is for our planet, I heard that the U.S. Senate is about to put all of those small farmers out of business. As I understand it, big agribusinesses have gotten jealous of the success of farmer's markets and small, local producers, and are demanding that all of those sustainable farms be forced to buy the same produce-bagging and shrink-wrapping machinery that helps larger producers stay at the forefront of producing new strains of E-coli bacteria.

Now, I'm not angry about this, because it's probably just some kind of misunderstanding. Our Senators probably aren't aware of how much healthier organic produce is for us and for our environment, so it's up to fans of green living to introduce them to the joys of truly good fruits and vegetables. There's just no comparing a juicy, vine-ripened tomato at its peak to those bland pieces of styrofoam that pass for tomatoes in some stores. So the best way to help Senators understand the issue would be for some East Coast organic tomato growers to take them free samples of the ambrosial fruits of their labor. Of course, since our elected officials are busy people, it might be hard to get close enough to the Senators to hand them a fragrant slice of delicious tomato, so it's important that someone with a good throwing arm be included in the organic growers' delegation, in case the tomatoes have to be delivered all in one piece, and in a hurry.

It's true that throwing the tomatoes could get messy, especially since only the ripest, juiciest samples will do for the purposes of educating Senators. But then, they are probably also not aware of how much fun it can be to get covered in tomato juice and pulp, as many surprised tourists in Spain discover every year in the city of Buñol.

Apparently, no-one really knows how the tomato-smashing festival started, but I read that "one of the most popular theories is that disgruntled townspeople attacked city councilmen with tomatoes during a town celebration." The councilmen must have enjoyed the experience enough to make it a yearly event. And the moral of that story is that when you mix ripe tomatoes and elected officials, wonderful things will happen!

So, how about it, green living lovers? Who wants to take some transformative tomatoes to Washington D.C.?

Waterfront Is Home to Empty, Crumbling, Burned-Out Crime Magnets

2010-04-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I heard that someone is trying to restore some historic buildings on Alameda's waterfront, and re-use them for something other than what they were built for. This is unconscionable! Those buildings should be used as what they were built to be, which is empty, crumbling, burned-out crime magnets.

Now, I'm not opposed to plans for redevelopment in general, but this particular plan is all wrong for the mixed commercial/industrial/residential character of the neighborhood. For one thing, those buildings were once three stories tall, so restoring them would ruin the views on that street. In order for any redevelopment plan for this site to be acceptable, it would have to create no additional traffic, and not change the appearance of the property in any way. Change is bad. We ned to preserve the restful view of rusted beams and boarded-up windows for future generations.

And don't even get me started on those people who suggest putting some other kind of building there instead. Surely, no-one could take that idea seriously.

Sylvia Meadow

Editor's Comments:
Miss Meadhall certainly seems to have a good grasp of what makes Alameda a nice place to live. She is right that change is bad. Now, if only certain slip-shod young noosepaper editors could keep that in mind, maybe we could all have confidence in the future of our island city.

We're Not Chicken, Unlike Some We Could Mention

2010-04-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Recent census figures show that currently, 160 residents of Alameda are chicken. However, we here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose dispute that number. Clearly, many more residents of the island city are scaredy cats, considering that this is the only local noose source with the guts to do real investigative journalism, bringing frightening facts to light. And if so few Alameda residents were chicken, and therefore afraid to read those frightening facts, our readership would be even more phenomenally large than it already is.

Based on our own infallible estimates, the number of residents who are chicken must actually be closer to 20,000, including a certain former and acting editor who doesn't just come out and say that he is unjustifiably critical of how much time we put into the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose. Instead, he insinuates things in little "Editor's Comments" attached to what he views as important Noose items. We would just like to point out that no-one asked for his opinion.

Clean-up Planned for Alameda's Most Toxic Sites

2010-04-27T04:43:00.000-07:00

The Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda has obtained a list of Toxic Personality Superfund Clean-up sites located in the city of Alameda. This list includes a record of the many citizens' complaints about hazardous, threatening, disruptive or just plain annoying behavior originating from each site. There are far too many complaints about each Toxic Personality to reproduce here, but to give our readers a quick sampling of highlights, #1 has done damage to both public and private property with a crowbar and a car, #2 has been involved in public fistfights, excessive air horn use, sifting through other people's garbage and other dirty activities, and #4 consistently fails to clean up after a little white dog while walking it past other people's houses.

The Toxic Personality Superfund list did not include the names of these individuals, but the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose was able to use the geographical coordinates of the clean-up sites to plot their locations on this "map" which we tore out of a "phone book" and attached to a piece of "cardboard" with the use of some "tape."

The colored "push pins" indicate the locations of the Toxic Personality Superfund Clean-up sites. Notice that they are clustered in and around the over-privileged Gold Coast neighborhood of Alameda. It's about time someone did something about these hoity-toity blots on our landscape, going around blowing their air horns at all hours of the night for no good reason. We always have a perfectly fair reason for blowing our air horns. Usually, the reason is that it's the best way to demonstrate how effective they could be in an actual emergency.

In addition to the colored "push pins" on the map, there are also some metal "push pins" that have little to do with this story. Just ignore them.

Lon Geddoff Is Appalled by Gruesome Propaganda

2010-04-26T05:18:00.000-07:00

Editor,

You won't believe what I saw in the newspaper! Not that I ever read newspapers, or get news from any print source other than the Alameda Daily Noose, but I needed some packing material for a package I was sending to my cousin on Bay Farm Island, and this gruesome image caught my eye:

Yes, that's right; it is nothing less than a visual instruction manual, drawn by some troublemaker named Mark Tutulli, showing children how to turn Squirrels into even larger, more dangerous threats to our quality of life! If you take a closer look, you'll see that I'm not exaggerating.

As if those vicious, fluffy-tailed killers weren't already bad enough, soon we're going to be dodging ones as tall as that Imperial library they built where the perfectly good motel used to be. It is appalling that any publication would be allowed to spread such blatant propaganda to corrupt our youth and terrorize our seniors, who are at extra risk from Squirrel-related heart attacks.

Whoever this Mark Tutulli guy is, he is obviously also a proponent of trees, and may be behind our gigantic acorn problem. No wonder we are having so much trouble with Squirrels in Alameda! This cartoonist must be stopped.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:

Editor-in-Chief Dave Williamson is still too occupied with promoting Miss Grumpy Alameda to assist in circulating Noose items such as this one about the escalating Squirrel threat. Even though our lives are all in danger, he thinks it's more important to prepare for the Miss Grumpy California pageant. It's lucky for him that the Alameda Daily Noose is in the capable hands of its original editor during this time of need.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green China and Green Silverware

2010-04-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! A friend of mine just sent me this photo of a fantastic new aid to green living: biodegradable utensils. As it says right on the box, these convenient knives, forks, and spoons are "Earth Friendly" and "Environmentally Responsible." I didn't know that there was anything that could be better than the green plastic forks I bought for my Earth Day Party, so I am blown away by this discovery!

Now, what doesn't come as a surprise is that this great new product is manufactured in one of the greenest places on the planet: China!

As my fans in China know, I'm often inspired by the wonderful things their country is doing to help save our planet. This time, I think the inspiration is flowing both ways, because China seems to have learned from our country's long tradition of finding all sorts of amazing uses for corn.

But here's a use we never thought of: turning corn starch into a kind of plastic that can be formed into biodegradable eating utensils! The Chinese are kindly sharing this ecological breakthrough with us by loading the earth-friendly forks and spoons onto majestic ocean freighters, selflessly burning countless gallons of their precious fossil fuels to bring them to our shores, and sending them to Wal-Mart and Costco mega-stores across the country so that we, too, can enjoy this clean, green, organic product.

Wow! If only there were something eco-friendly that we could send them in return, as a way of thanking them for making our lives a little greener. Maybe the best thing would be to ship them some of our corn, as a way of saying, "Keep up the creative corn processing, and send us more of those disposable forks."

It's hard for me to think of a more earth-friendly manufacturing material than corn. And remember, composting is good for the environment, so if you decide to hop on the corn-starch cutlery bandwagon, try to use at least one compostable fork or spoon at every meal. The more of them you use, the more there will be to compost! And that means more business for our clean, green, trading partner, China. It's a win-win!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

2010-04-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 105 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Editor's Comment:

Today is Earth Day, which means it's a good day to stay safely in your car, away from emboldened trees and Squirrels, or at home catching up on your scrutiny of the vile machinations of "public officials" and "private companies." The following reviews will help guide you to the most outrageous recent meetings in Alameda.

Corica Have Mercy:

This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 20, 2010

Editor's Comments:

Both the Council and the Evil Developer Sun Cal demonstrated a bonus amount of intellectual density in their disagreement over the City's new density bonus ordinance. Any Right-Thinking Alamedan can see that the real significance of the ordinance is its potential to destroy Alameda if it were ever to be implemented. We can only hope that no City Council would ever be so foolish as to ever allow that to happen.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 2, 2010

Special Joint Meeting of the Alameda City Council, ARRA and CIC, January 26, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 8, 2010

Public Utilities Board Regular Meeting March 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Public Utilities Cupboard admits that they want to reduce electricity customers to tears! Or maybe they said something about tiers. And they must be expecting bad weather, because there was some talk about umbrellas. Either way, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are certain that it will end in tears.

So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 3, 2010

Special Joint CC/ARRA/CIC Meeting, April 6, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 12, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Planning Committee talks about modifying the City's density bonus ordinance, when we all know that the only satisfactory change would be to abolish it. Apologists for the ordinance claim that state law already had the same impact as the new ordinance, but how can they expect us to believe that some law in Sacramento will have any effect on Alameda? As an island, we are naturally buffered from that kind of law.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 8, 2010

Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 6, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, February 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 22, 2010

Regular Transportation Commission, March 24, 2010

Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Special CIC Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 22, 2010

Miss Grumpy Alameda Faces Stiff Competition

2010-04-21T04:21:00.000-07:00

According to preliminary reports on contenders for the Miss Grumpy California contest, Miss Grumpy Alameda could get a run for her money from up-and-coming grump Miss Grumpy San Francisco.

Miss Grumpy S.F. (seen here picking at the arguments of those who disagree with her, in an attempt to unravel them) has an unfair advantage over her Alameda counterpart because there is so much more to complain about in San Francisco. As impossible as the traffic and parking situation is here in Alameda, it is even worse in San Francisco. Drivers in San Francisco may sit in their cars for hours, yet they can't sit on a public sidewalk. Next they'll be prohibiting people from so much as dropping their gum on the sidewalks! Furthermore, buildings in San Francisco have apparently gotten so tall that startled birds are smacking into them and dying by the flock. Miss Grumpy S.F. has plenty of material on which to hone her grumpy letter-to-the-editor skills.

It looks like Miss Grumpy Alameda will have to work overtime to keep an edge over her rival from across the bay, and will need even more assistance from her trusty publicist as she heads towards the state competition. That means that loyal readers of the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose will unfortunately have to put up with the well-meaning efforts of former editor Roger Grumbel more often. It's a small price to pay to ensure Alameda's preeminence in the world of Grump.

Innovative, Healthy Choices at Chic, New Restaurant

2010-04-20T05:23:00.000-07:00

Editor's Comment:
It's lucky for Dave Williamson that the Alameda Daily Noose and I can take care of the shop while he's busy working on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity for her upcoming pageant. Sometimes it takes a seasoned veteran to really do the Noose job right. We are sure that our loyal readers will appreciate the hard-hitting story below, brought to you by yours truly, Roger Grumbel, and the Alameda Daily Noose.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have observed that some innovative dishes are being served at that new, chic restaurant on Encinal Avenue. One of those dishes is apparently called the "R.I.P.," which we've discovered stands for "Rest in Peace." That must be because your mind will be at peace after you've eaten it, knowing that it's a healthy alternative to the kind of heart-attack on a plate your doctor keeps warning you about. In fact, they do away with the plate altogether by serving the "R.I.P." in a little paper sleeve instead. You can get it either grilled, or cooked in a most original manner. A banner outside the restaurant graciously invites you to "et" (a charmingly old-fashioned word for "eat") a "R.I.P."

Recently, we noticed that the restaurant is also serving something called the "Double Over," in a clear attempt to appeal to the carbohydrate-conscious consumer. Those fattening pieces of bread that ordinarily go into a sandwich have been replaced with melted cheese and bacon. This puts it over and above an ordinary sandwich in health terms, making it at least twice as good for you, which explains the name "Double Over."

With offerings like these, that new restaurant might almost start to fit in with Alameda stand-bys like Gym's Coffee Clutch and Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel, although nothing will ever be able to compete with the Fischer Schnitzel at the Rusty Scupper. Still, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have half a mind to drive over to that new restaurant and down a "Double Over" or two just to see if the place might be a worthwhile addition to Alameda's healthy restaurant scene after all.

Jean Kerkwilligers is Seething Mad About Parking

2010-04-19T05:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Roger,

(I heard that you would be filling in for Dave Williamson again soon, so I'm sending this letter directly to you. I know it will be safe in your editorial hands.)

I am seething mad right now, because just the other day, my car got towed! I mean, sure, there was a big sign saying, "No parking, violators will be towed," but the sign didn't say when the towing would occur, so I figured I could get away with parking there for just a teensy minute or two. Besides, we all know that no-one ever actually usually enforces those no-parking zones.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came back to find my car missing! Naturally, I assumed it had been stolen. I rushed into a nearby business with a view of the tow-away zone, and breathlessly asked the employees if they had seen anything. I couldn't believe it when they said a tow-truck had removed a vehicle from that tow-away zone not more than half an hour before. the employees helped me figure out how to get the car back, but not one of them showed an ounce of the outrage that they should have felt on my behalf. After all, I had to park in that tow-away zone, because it was the closest place where there wasn't already a car parked. And then the towing company expected me to pay to get my car back, on top of the inconvenience of having to go and pick it up.

Why can't other people understand that the rules don't apply to me? I'm a good, responsible driver. When I speed it's because I'm actually in a hurry, unlike those yahoos who zip recklessly around town for no good reason, getting in my way when I'm trying to drive through an intersection efficiently. If they would just obey the law, it would be a lot easier for me to get around. And if this city would just get with the program, they would replace all of those useless tow-away zones with unlimited free parking, and make sure that all parking spaces are right in front of the places that people want to go to.

Is that so much to ask?

Disgustedly,
Jean Kerkwilligers

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Host an Earth Day Party!

2010-04-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Earth Day is Coming!

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not going to be going to the official "Planet Alameda" Earth Day Celebration. Yes, I'm happy that our City Leaders recognized that Alameda is its own planet, as I mentioned last year. But it's inexcusable that they are still using Squirrels as part of their imagery, despite being called on the carpet two years ago by the Alameda Daily Noose (months before Yours Truly joined the Alameda Daily Noose Staff).

Instead of going the to City festivities, why not host your own Earth Day Party at home? It's easy and fun!

First, make a list of all your friends and invite them. Even if you have friends who live in cities that are not Alameda, be sure to invite them too, so you can show them how nice it is to live on Planet Alameda. (Since Earth Day is coming soon, you can't trust the mail, so you will need to hand-deliver your invitations. Fill up your Hybrid Hummer with Earth-Friendly gas at one of Alameda's Valero Gas Stations, and be sure to tell the owners that you are supporting their efforts to fight Global Warming while you are at it).

Be sure to warn the neighbors that you will be having a party, and ask them to move their cars over to the next block so there will be plenty of parking for your friends when they arrive!

Stock up on Earth-Day-Themed party goods at your local Party Zone! or Fiesta Barn. Get your Earth Day Paper Plates, Earth Day Paper Napkins, and of course some nice GREEN Earth Day Plastic Silverware!

For the party itself, you can truly have an Earth-themed "bash" by taking turns bashing on an Earth Piñata! You can make one of your own by using an old globe, filling it with yummy candy treats like green M&Ms, or perhaps some cute little plastic mini-toys from ever-green China and then covering your earth with bits of tissue paper!.

Enjoy your Earth Day Party!

Frieda Bellows Fails to Appreciate High-Quality Journalism

2010-04-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I'm getting tired of you wasting my time by printing stories about students in some city that's not even Alameda. I expect to read things about Alameda in the Alameda Daily Noose! How am I supposed to get worked up about things that don't even affect me? Bring back Roger Grumbel! He knows what stories to run!

Frieda Bellows

[Editor Note: Miss Bellows would do well to remember that her precious Roger Grumbel also published stories about cities that are not Alameda, before he turned the editorship over to someone who is better equipped for the rigors of investigative journalism. Readers should feel lucky to have such a well-run noosepaper in town now.]

Berkeley Students Protest Unfair Fee Increases

2010-04-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

In its efforts to close its budget gap, a cash-strapped university in Berkeley has raised the ire of its students with its so-called solutions. Recently, the school administrators unfairly targeted a small group of students who were said to have instigated an earlier protest against raising student fees to help cover the shortfall. The protest leaders were notified that they would be responsible for paying the costs that arose from their occupation of a campus building. Expenses incurred included the cost of repairing damage caused by the protest and the response of law-enforcement officers, and the extra time required for the university's janitorial staff to clean up the mess left by the protest.

When divided among the students identified as the leaders of the protest, the cost per student came to nearly a thousand dollars. When the students in question and their supporters vehemently protested this stiff penalty, pointing out that it was unfair or so few to bear the entire financial burden of the protest clean-up, the school administration offered a compromise; it proposed to spread the costs evenly among all students through a temporary fee increase.

Students expressed their righteous outrage over this latest proposal by breaking certain items of school and private property, and spray-painting the slogan "No Fee Increases!" on several campus buildings, as well as on a nearby regent's house. One protester, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Nothing makes me feel better about having to pay more money than breaking some stuff. Besides, vandalism shows how serious we are about our education."

As of press time, the University had not yet calculated the cost of repairs and paint removal from this latest protest against fee increases to cover the cost of damage from the previous protest against fee increases.

Grumpy Majority Has Had More Than Enough

2010-04-13T04:41:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I believe my wife and I are the grumpy majority when it comes to those darn Alameda schools telling us over and over again that they need tax money to educate children. And when I say that the two of us are the majority, I mean that I don't think there are actually more than three registered voters in the entire city of Alameda, but all of those smart-alecky kids keep trying to convince us that there are people in this town who are voting to pay their own money to keep schools open. Hogwash! Nobody ever pays willingly for something they don't use, which reminds me, I'm sick of paying for roads, too. I'm not able to drive anymore, and the pizza delivery guy can hack his way through a jungle with a machete for all I care. Why should I pay for roads that he can drive on and I can't?

Getting back to those pesky kids, though, we have had more than enough of their whining about wanting to be "literate" and "productive members of society." If they'd never gotten "educated" at all in the first place, they wouldn't know how to fix the elections so that these taxes keep passing even though my wife and I should be able to defeat every measure with our solid majority of two to one. So we pay and pay, and these kids still aren't satisfied because they want to get more education so they can become CEO's or Wall Street bankers and give themselves huge illegal bonuses. We all know that's the only kind of job you need an "education" for. If we adults in Alameda want to be safe from crime and be able to enjoy our rare stamp collections in peace, we have to make sure that the next generation is stupider than we are.

You'd better watch out, you young school-age whippersnappers. The majority of Alamedans are on to you. Stop trying to be as smart as we are!

Shay Ken McCain

Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose Leads the Way in Breaking Avian Stories

2010-04-12T04:22:00.000-07:00

We at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose think that Roger Grumbel deserves a hand for doing an okay job of editing last week, even though he must have been a little rusty from months of retirement. We have to admit that he used to do good work, in fact even ground-breaking work judging from the way that so many other online "news" sources seem to be trying to catch up with him these days, especially in the realm of stories about Alameda's bird population.

In recent weeks, other, more slow-moving reporters have been following in the footsteps of the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose with their investigations on birds. We are glad to see that they are finally starting to understand the importance of such stories, even though it took them years to catch up to us on the subject of egrets, and even longer to pick up on the truth about terns.

Naturally, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose has long been on the cutting edge of tern coverage and egret updates. Although no-one else does it as well as we do, at least they are now trying. It shouldn't take a very sophisticated observer to see just how seriously these stories deserve to be taken.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: A Heartfelt, Green Tribute to the Greenest Journalist I Know

2010-04-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, I was just so excited when I found out that Roger Grumbel is editing the Alameda Daily Noose this week! I thought, "How can I rise to the occasion and write a special column to celebrate Roger's return from retirement?" Then it hit me: recycling! Roger loves to recycle old items by running them again in the pages of the Alameda Daily Noose, so in the spirit of Roger Grumbel, I am re-running one of my best columns from a time when Roger was the regular editor of the noosepaper. When you're done re-reading it, I'm sure you'll agree that this week feels just like old times!

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Spring Cleaning

In Spring, a person's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of cleaning. But wait! Before you pull the trigger on that bottle of spray cleaning solution, have you read the label? I've read a lot of labels in the course of my in-depth green living research, and let me tell you, some of the things on those labels are scary! For your own peace of mind, take a look at what's in your cleaning closet. If you see yucky-sounding words like "Chlorinated phenols" or "Perchloroethylene" on your usual cleaning products, it could be time for a change.

When you see a label like that, immediately remove it from the container of cleaning product. Then, cut out the Green Cleaning label below, and tape it onto the container where the old label was.
Presto! No more scary words. By the way, you might also want to write in a description of what the product is for, so that you don't accidentally wash your clothes in bleach, or Armor All your carpet instead of shampooing it.

Once you get those nasty labels out of your life, you'll rediscover the joy of cleaning with a clear conscience. So come on, everyone, and let's do some green washing!

Lon Geddoff Warns That Dave Williamson May Crash and Burn

2010-04-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

Editor,

That Dave Williamson can't seem to cover the Zeppelin threat the way you do, Roger. You need to give that kid some pointers or something. You'd better hurry, too, because at this rate he's going to crash and burn before we know it, although not necessarily in that order. Do you want to see him run the Alameda Daily Noose, or the Inaction Alameda Daily Alamedan Inaction, or whatever he's calling it, into the ground?

Meanwhile, the Zeppelin traffic just keeps getting worse.

Lon Geddoff

Adoring Fan Lays Some Gilt on the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

2010-04-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just received a welcome-back gift from an adoring fan who explained that she had picked it up at an auction last year, but then realized that she didn't have enough clear wall space in which to hang it. The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't have that problem, since we are always careful to keep plenty of wall space open for displaying any plaques and certificates we might receive for our excellent journalism and other fine achievements. We were happy to accept the beautifully framed mirror, which not only allows us to admire our dashing looks, but also has the rare property of scattering and deflecting any feelings of personal responsibility that may arise in the course of investigative journalism or other ordinary daily activities.

The "guilt mirror," as this type of looking-glass is commonly known, is apparently enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Many people in Alameda are becoming increasingly aware of environmental or societal problems for which they might be inclined to feel some blame, but the guilt mirror reflects those feelings in such a way that, to the eye of him who gazes into the mirror, the guilt lands squarely on other people.

We understand that the fan who put in the high bid on this valuable heirloom still has not gotten around to sending her check to pay for it, but that's really none of our business. We plan to simply enjoy our new gilt-framed guilt mirror in the manner in which it is meant to be enjoyed: guilt-free.

Marlene Verloren Wants the Alameda Daily Noose and Me the Way We Used to Be

2010-04-06T05:26:00.000-07:00

Roger,

Thank goodness you are back in the editor's chair, even if only for a short time. From the moment I saw you nursing that overgrown Mai Tai at La Rana Gigante, I knew something was not right. Looking at you that night from across that dark bar, I felt a journalistic yearning I have not felt in years. What is it they say? "You don't know what you got till it's gone."

I didn't think it was right to say anything, but that young Dave Williamson fellow just doesn't have your knack for getting right to the heart of matters here in Alameda. Sure, he does his research, but somehow I just don't get as outraged by his conclusions as I did when you ran the noosepaper.

Before you turn the Alameda Daily Noose back over to him, can't you at least get him to change it back to the way it used to look? It's so much harder to read now that he's replaced the bold yellow and black with that pasty blue-and-white color scheme, the colors of a child, in his little sailor suit. Now I know I want your dark and serious prose, black like your troubled yet manly spirit, set against the gold of your glittering insight. Yes, the old Alameda Daily Noose is the only noosepaper that can make me feel young again.

Marlene Verloren

Noose Man in Classic Sense Called Out of Retirement for One Last Job

2010-04-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

In the course of his duty to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda, Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of the Alameda Daily Noose Dave Williamson has accompanied the aspiring Grumpy pageant contestant on a tour to some cities that are not Alameda. In his absence, I, Roger Grumbel, have no choice but to temporarily come out of retirement for this one last job. It's a miracle that I am even able to fit any editing into my busy post-retirement schedule, but I am well aware that no-one else is qualified to do it, and that even Dave Williamson was finding it challenging to fill my eminent shoes.

Now, we know that some of you may be thinking, "But Roger, isn't it difficult for you to jump right back into the game after two full months of retirement?" But you needn't worry on my account. I am just as familiar with the going-on in Alameda as I have ever been, since I never left the island nation except for that one gig that the "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band played at La Rana Gigante, which is just across the bridge from Alameda.

So I am sure that all of our loyal readers will rejoice in my week-long return to the editorial desk, and will reap many informational benefits from this brief reviving of the glory days of the Alameda Daily Noose. I'm not sure who left all these tangles of wires and little boxes on the desk, but I think I can work around them. The only alternative would have been to put the Alameda Daily Noose in the hands of someone unfit for the demands of the job, or to let the page go blank for a time. And what kind of fool would just leave fans wondering what had become of all the insightful stories and enlightening images? No, an empty noosepaper is not an option. Our readers deserve better.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Easter with Personal Rabbit Transit 2.0

2010-04-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you look forward to Easter as a time to enjoy the wonders of nature by hopping in your hybrid SUV to take the whole family out for Sunday brunch. And since driving a hybrid is good for the environment, you're actually improving the natural world as you drive! But if there's one thing that's even greener than a hybrid SUV for getting you around, it's Personal Rabbit Transit (PRT).

PRT is an all-natural, rabbit-powered mode of transportation. To see how this amazing new form of transportation works, take a look at the demonstration video, which I'm told was produced at a test facility set up on that old military base that was discovered a couple of years ago on the west end of Alameda. As you can see, the second generation of PRT has improved by leaps and bounds over earlier prototypes, which I first learned about from the Alameda Daily Noose. In those early models, the rider was exposed to the elements, but the addition of the stream-lined, egg-shaped pod means you won't have to worry about any April showers on your way to brunch. Each member of your family can travel by means of a separate rabbit, making it many times better for the environment than a single SUV.

So have a Happy Easter, and let's make it even greener than last year's!

Miss Grumpy Alameda Making Headlines Yet Again

2010-04-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

With the California title in her sights, Miss Grumpy Alameda is training hard. Those who wish to cheer her on can witness her freestyle grumping sessions on most days at Gym's Coffee Clutch, where she usually starts her day with a warm-up rant to anyone who will listen, and then proceeds to more complex forms of complaining.

As part of her training, Miss Grumpy Alameda has been composing headlines of the sort that might be suitable for stories in the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. Classics such as "What Are They Thinking?" or "Somebody's Trying to Change Something, and I Don't Like It!" could easily be adapted to a number of different Noose stories that might develop in the future.

We know it will improve Miss Grumpy Alameda's chances in the statewide competition when she can say that she has literally been making headlines, almost on a daily basis. That's the kind of thing that judges look for.

Also, in observation of the official U.S. census date today, Miss Grumpy Alameda will be complaining loudly about the amount of paperwork citizens are expected to fill out for the census. In the process, she may include criticism of the way in which Alamedans are counted, which is the same as the way everyone outside Alameda is counted, even though we pay more in taxes than they do. Alamedans should probably count double, at least. This particular rant is scheduled for 1:00 p.m. today, on the steps of City Hall, which may provide further fodder for her complaining. An Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose reporter will be there to cover the event, which is expected to draw at least 100 people.

Lon Geddoff Sets Frieda Bellows Straight on Doughnut Hole Story

2010-03-31T04:43:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I can't believe you published that ridiculous letter from Frieda Bellows about doughnut holes, without any kind of comment or anything. She doesn't understand that when the government talks about "The Donut Hole," they mean the drive-thru shop where I always get my daily dozen. They want to close The Donut Hole because of some nonsense about donuts not being healthy, and on top of depriving us of donuts, they want to make senior citizens go to the doctor even when we feel okay. They call it preventive medicine, and I don't like it!

Why are they trying to force good health on everyone? It's my right as an American to go bankrupt trying to pay off inflated drug and hospital bills. If I want to die prematurely, without leaving behind so much as a penny to help my children cover the funeral costs, that's my business!

If anything needs to be prevented, it's this healthcare reform nonsense. It's just another example of government trying to tell us what to do! Well, let me tell you, they will have to pry my right to go broke and die from my cold, dead fingers! And the same goes for the doughnuts.

Lon Geddoff

Jack-Booted Government Thugs Threaten Our Seniors' Pastries

2010-03-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

Editor,

I keep hearing people say that the federal government is trying to save money by taking doughnut holes away from senior citizens. First, they try to ban our doughnuts, then they try to take away even our doughnut holes! How are we supposed to defend ourselves?

Frieda Bellows

Imperial Forces Take Over Alameda Library

2010-03-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

We warned you. But did anyone listen? Time and again, the Alameda Daily Noose sounded the alarm that fishy things were afoot at the Alameda Library, as they first stocked books written by people who don't even live here, and then expanded their already inappropriate collection to include smut.

But now, there is no denying that all of those ominous signs were pointing to the same thing...our city, including the public library, is under the thumb of the Evil Empire.

Yes, all of those mysterious meeting that the City Council held behind closed doors must have been meetings with none other than the Evil Emperor. For all those years, they tried to make us believe that the outrageous size of the new library was necessary to hold all of the "books" and spaces for "students" to do "homework," while in truth they were building it to conceal the massive death ray that we can only conclude is aimed straight at the heart of Alameda.

Of course, if the library's death ray were fully operational, they would already have used it against us. That means there is still time! If every Right-Thinking Alamedan refuses to pay any overdue book fines, we will cut off the funding for their secret project. And while we stage our noble rebellion, be sure not to check out any additional materials, or indeed to set foot in the not-so-free library for any reason, because as you can see, they will be waiting for you.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Another Tip for Green Pest Control

2010-03-26T04:01:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you're always forgetting to put the lid back on the sugar bowl after sprinkling your organic cornflakes. Well, the other day, I was shocked to discover the open bowl swarming with ants! There must have been nearly three of them! Of course, my first impulse was to grab my can of Raid Green, but I suddenly remembered how woozy the smell of it makes me when I use it outdoors. Using it inside would probably just make that problem worse.

Hoping for a green but more pleasant alternative, I went online and found out that the very sugar that seems to attract ants can also be used to help destroy them. As soon as I saw that, I knew what to do. Hopping in my hybrid SUV, I drove to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of the biggest bags of sugar I could find. Then I dumped them out in one of those places that the City reserves for people to drop off old couches, rags, empty beer bottles, t.v.'s, random construction debris and other junk, reasoning that such a location would be safe for the aerial bombing that might be necessary to destroy the ants once they all congregated on the huge sugar pile.

You see, I remembered that this strategy worked well in the 1954 documentary Them! You can see from the picture above, taken from that film, that the giant ants are climbing up a big pile of sugar, where they make an easy target for the aircraft above.

So remember, all-natural products like sugar can allow us to use nature to fight nature, and that's what being green is all about!

Are We Great? Do Investigative Bears Report in the Journalistic Woods?

2010-03-25T04:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Daily Noose,

I was really offended that you characterized the second-rate news reporter who is challenging our mayoral candidates as a bungling "cub reporter."

It is clear to me that this reporter is no cub, but is instead a full-grown grizzly bear, intrepidly uncovering the many slugs that lie beneath the rotten stumps in this town.

Why am I so sure? Because:

1) He says he's an "investigative journalist." Everyone knows that in order to be an investigative journalist, you need to have quite a few years of experience in basic journalism under your belt. Ergo, if he says he's an investigative journalist, he can't be a cub reporter. Some even say he's the only investigative journalist in town. Don't you get it?

2) He has background sources. Have you ever noticed how often this investigative journalist says stuff like, "some say the fix was already in" or "some say this reflects on his character?" Journalists for the Totally Co-Opted Mainstream Newspapers say things like, "A highly placed official who wasn't willing to speak on the record said..." But why waste words? Just say "some say." Sounds authoratative!

3) His coverage is balanced. First he interviews someone he agrees with. Then he quotes a mysterious background source who agrees with him. Then he quotes his own prior articles in the comment section. Three kinds of sources! That's balance! Haven't you ever seen a three-legged stool?

In the future, please be more respectful of the investigative journalist in this town. You know he's the only one who knows what's REALLY going on.

Signed,
Another Grumpy Newbie

[Editor note - If this reader thinks that the cub reporter we mentioned yesterday is really a grizzly, then we can only imagine that in this reader's eyes, we must be…well, we don't know, something even bigger and more powerful…like…like a a 700-foot-tall mutant bear with X-ray vision and atomic breath or something. Or at least its journalistic equivalent, in stature, insight and destructive power.]

Cub Reporter Bungles Attempt to Get Alameda Mayoral Candidates to Answer Perfectly Fair Questions on Parcel Tax

2010-03-24T04:36:00.000-07:00

Last week we received an e-mail from Alameda mayoral candidate Anthony Daysog, in which he shamelessly ducked a series of perfectly fair questions about the $659/year (residential) parcel tax recently approved by the Alameda Unified School District.

These perfectly fair questions were apparently posed by a cub reporter for some second-string news outlet we've never heard of. Although we admire his pluck... it's pretty clear that he needs a bit more practice at posing questions in a fair and balanced manner that is sure to elicit a response....

For example, instead of asking this...

Knowing that the redevelopment association is keeping money from the schools, do you endorse the parcel tax?

It would have been much more perfectly fair to ask....

Knowing that the cold-hearted cabal at the quote-unquote redevelopment association is twirling its collective mustache and laughing diabolically as it prepares to tie our sweet, innocent children to the railroad tracks of underfunding, all the time with the locomotive of fiscal catastrophe bearing down upon them, do you nevertheless still pig-headedly insist on endorsing this travesty of a farce of a charade of a so-called parcel tax?

Normally, we wouldn't embarrass a potential fellow journalist by exposing such substandard work to public criticism, but we believe it would be instructive for our readers to compare such a well-meaning but underdeveloped piece to the impeccable work that we turn out every day here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. For all of those aspiring reporters out there, we'll give you ten extra credit points if you can correct all of the stylistic and content shortcomings of the full list of questions that we received, and mail your revisions to us at: alamedadailynoose@gmail.com

Here is the e-mail we received.

From: Anthony Daysog
Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 9:31 PM
To: Mowster; Michele at the Island of Alameda;
Eve at the Island of Alameda;
P Hegarty at Bay Area News Group;
D Evanosky at Alameda Sun; Sam Felsing;
C Johnson at SF Chronicle;
Carolyn Jones at SF Chronicle;
J Diaz at SF Chronicle;
C Rux at Bay Area News Group;
Daniel Aaron Jacobson;
Robert Gammon at East Bay Express;
R Gammon at East Bay Express;
SED Writer; Lauren Do; Alameda Daily Noose;
Dan at Karelia; JKW Blog;
J P Tracey at Alameda Sun; Barbara Kahn

Subject: Re: Media Inquiry:Will you endorse
AUSD Parcel Tax?

Yes, I endorse the upcoming parcel tax measure
wholeheartedly. Our schools need the funding
because of the dramatic cuts made by Sacramento
legislators.

The fact of the matter is that when prospective
residents and/or businesses look for places to
locate, the first question on their mind is, "How
good are the schools?" So, we need the best
possible school district if we hope to be the
progressive, world-class city we are striving to
be.

So, yes, I wholeheartedly endorse the parcel tax.
Thanks for asking. All the best.

- Tony Daysog : )

--- On Wed, 3/17/10, David Howard wrote:

From: David Howard
Subject: Media Inquiry:Will you endorse AUSD Parcel
Tax?
To: Frank at Frank for Mayor,
D Linney at Next Generation, Tony Daysog,
M Gilmore at Ci Alameda CA US
Cc: Mowster
Date: Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 1:59 AM
On behalf of Action Alameda News... note that I
also write occaisionally for Examiner.com on
Alameda County issues, so I might write about this
there as well, your response, or non-response as
the case may be....

This message is being sent to the three self-
declared Alameda Mayoral candidates, Frank
Matarrese, Marie Gilmore and Tony Daysog....

As you well know by now, earlier this week AUSD
passed a replacement tax, representing a 114%
increase in the combined amount of Measures A and H
for residential property owners. ($659/yr v.
$309/year)

My questions for each of you, are, given the
following:

1) California Redevelopment Association suit to
block State re-allocation of local redevelopment
funds to schools.

http://www.calredevelop.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section
=Home&CONTENTID=6365&TEMPLATE=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm
Superior Court for Sacramento County, California
Redevelopment Association et al. v. Genest et al.,
Case No. 34-2009-80000359-CU-WM-GDS (CRA v. Genest)

All of you have generally been supportive of the
redevelopment/tax increment financing mechanism in
Alameda, most uniformly around the Alameda
Cineplex/theater/Parking Garage.

Frank, on SunCal's Measure B, you raised the issue
of State taking away redevelopment money as being a
financial problem for SunCal's proposed development
plan for Alameda Point.

Tony, you lent your name to the PtP endorser's
list.

Marie, you (belatedly) spoke out against Measure B.

Given this, do you support the Redevelopment's
association lawsuit to block the re-allocation of
local redevelopment funds for schools?

Knowing that the redevelopment association is
keeping money from the schools, do you endorse the
parcel tax?

2) In a recent article, Dennis Green spoke about
the "de facto segregation" of Alameda schools -
largely White and Asian populations in East End,
Bay Farm and Gold Coast elementary schools, and
more "diversity" in the West-end schools, like
Paden, Franklin, and Ruby Bridges. The publicly
available enrollment data backs this up:
http://www.action-alameda-news.com/ausd-enrollment-
demographics/

AUSD's master plan, approved on Feb 23rd,
acknowledges the achievement gap between African-
American / Hispanic and White / Asian students and
talks about "Plan A" needing a parcel tax. However,
the parcel tax ballot language makes no committent
to allocate funds to address that gap. Indeed, the
ballot language approved earlier this week doesn't
mention the achievement gap at all.

http://www.alameda.k12.ca.us/images/stories/pdfs/bo
emtg/boe022310masterplandocument.pdf

http://www.alameda.k12.ca.us/images/stories/pdfs/bo
emtg/boemeeting_031510_parceltax.pdf

Given this, do you plan to endorse the parcel tax
as written, with no allocation specifically for
addressing the documented achievement gap?

Do you think a parcel tax should such as that
approved by the AUSD Board earlier this week set
aside funds to address this achievement gap?

Please respond by close of business this Friday,
March 19th, if you can. Or let me know when you can
respond. All responses in writing, please.

Thanks!

Dave.

Clueless Reader Again Needs Us to Explain Even the Most Obvious Facts

2010-03-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

Editor,

Why do you keep publishing all these stories about Squirrels instead of paying more attention to real problems in Alameda? You went and changed a bunch of other things from the way that Roger Grumbel used to do them, but then the one thing you should have changed, you didn't.

And another thing, you completely ignored my question about what your journalistic credentials are. I remember you had some vague excuses for the tabloid headline and so forth, but you never said what qualifies you to run a noosepaper.

Dubious Reader

[Editor Note: What qualifies us to run a noosepaper? Our readers. We care about them far too deeply to ever betray the absolute trust they place in our skill, honesty, and personal integrity.]

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

2010-03-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Electronic Recycling

2010-03-19T04:27:00.000-07:00

Great news! I've just discovered a new high-tech way to be green. Up until now, when readers e-mailed me their feedback on my columns, I would just print out the messages and keep them on file until I'd researched all of the questions, or incorporated any good suggestions, and then put them in my big, blue recycling bin and roll it out to the curb. Next, I'd congratulate myself for having a nice, full recycling bin ready for pick-up.

We all know that recycling is good for the planet, so the more things you recycle, the greener you are! That's why I was excited to find out that there is more than one way to recycle an e-mail message. It turns out that my computer has a little electronic recycling bin. I'm told that other people's computers also have these virtual recycling bins, so you can join me in increasing your recycling. It seems that some people even get together in big groups for special electronic recycling events that they somehow turn into fund raisers.

But it's easy to get started with electronic recycling right in your own home. First, print out your e-mail messages, and do whatever you please with them until it's time to recycle them. Then, you can not only put the paper copy in your blue bin, but also put the original electronic copy in the cute little recycle bin icon on your computer's desktop. It probably looks something like this:
Just send your old messages and other e-waste to this little icon and bingo! You'll be twice as green as you were before, with just a click of the mouse. Who knew that electronic recycling could be so easy?

Inaction Alameda's "Wear Green" Campaign an Uninhibited Success

2010-03-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

Rumors are flooding into our noose desk that our "wear green" campaign, which we launched only yesterday, was an uninhibited success. Throughout Alameda, citizens got into the spirit; by all accounts, in fact, their spirits were quite high. It seems that the taxpayers are so fed up with big-government control of their movements that they went beyond our suggestion of wearing green clothing and extended it to their beverages as well.

So great was moral indignation of Right Thinking Alamedans everywhere that sometimes it was difficult to understand what they were saying; obviously, they were so intoxicated with righteous outrage that their speech was a bit slurred. We noticed an unusual amount of kissing going on and, as the ones who single-handedly summoned forth this great green crusade, we were definitely feeling the love.

Wear Green for a Good Cause

2010-03-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

Alamedans may have noticed that the traffic in our island city is almost unbearable. And to make matters worse, our city officials expect residents to stop every few blocks for arbitrary red lights, just because they need to install expensive traffic control equipment to justify the outrageous taxes we pay. It's just common sense that car trips in Alameda would be much faster if those signal lights were always green.

To show our so-called leaders how important this issue is, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda encourages all of our readers to wear green today, to show that we need to give the green light to an idea whose time has come. Let's have an army of green-clad taxpayers driving down Alameda's streets today.

Even More Effusive Praise From Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose Readers

2010-03-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's noose item on the Future Grumps of Alameda is already generating a buzz, well before the fund-raiser. Our article inspired the following thought-provoking anonymous comment:

"Hello,nice post thanks for sharing?. I just joined and I am going to catch up by reading for a while. I hope I can join in soon."

We at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda encourage this brave reader, and all of our other openly anonymous readers to "join in" today, and every day. Just send your complaints, criticisms and perfectly fair questions to:

alamedadailynoose@gmail.com

Miss Grumpy Alameda does a lot to preserve our unique quality of life in Alameda, but there's always room for more grumpiness. We just hope that yesterday's admiring commenter really does catch up by reading all of our previous articles, so that he or she will realize that they are not "posts." This is an internet noosepaper. We don't know how many times we have to repeat that to get it through people's thick skulls. It's as if they have no idea what the difference is between a "blog" and a noosepaper. The difference is so obvious that we can't waste our time pointing it out. You people just need to educate yourselves.

Future Grumps of Alameda Need Your Help

2010-03-15T04:09:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, March 20th, at the Rusty Scupper restaurant, Miss Grumpy Alameda will be holding a fund-raiser to provide Future Grumps of Alameda scholarships to young Alamedans in need of instruction in the fine art of complaining. In a statement released today, Miss Grumpy said, "Kids these days are only interested in helping other people, and doing it with a smile. That's not Alameda! Somebody needs to put these fresh-faced do-gooders on the right track, and teach them how to work up a good rant. The future of Alameda is at stake, so bring your kids and grandkids to the fund-raiser, and we'll kick of the evening with a demonstration of classic grumpiness. That's the kind of education kids should be getting."

As of press time, tickets for the event are still available, if you know who to ask. As usual, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose is not covering this event because we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda. We are doing it despite that.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Saving Some Green This St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-12T04:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, boy! It's almost time for St. Patrick's Day again. I sure enjoyed the parade last year, with all of those eco-conscious participants, and I learned a lot about St. Patrick. I just love holidays, and I also love thinking up new ways to enjoy them in the cleanest, greenest way possible. As you may know, St. Patrick's Day is already one of the greenest holidays around, but hold onto your gold-buckled hats, because we're about to green it up some more!

This year, I was going to give friends and relatives little Paddy's Day gifts like homemade soda bread or crubeens, or buy them some of those pretty, potted shamrock plants. Well, imagine my delight when I recently discovered some shamrocks growing right in my own yard! I haven't been lucky enough to find one with four leaves yet, but they do have darling yellow flowers, that are as bright as a leprechaun's gold.

I was surprised to find these little gems growing in a part of the yard where even my Kentucky bluegrass has a hard time. But come rain or shine, the spunky, clover-shaped leaves keep popping up like weeds! So instead of spending a lot of green this St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to dig some up in my own yard. A little creative recycling of various containers will give me all the pots I need, and I'll be able to share my shamrocks with everyone I know.

I've noticed that these yellow flowers seem to grow in some other places around town, too. You might even find some of this gold in your own yard, if you look carefully, or ask the right leprechaun. If you do find some, you'll be all set to make your own earth-friendly gifts for the holiday.

Squirrels Are Online! (We Told You So…)

2010-03-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

Dave,

While web-designing Aliens are clearly a threat to Alameda, I am concerned that you have not been paying enough attention lately to the ever-present threat of the Sciurine Menace. Not content with corrupting our innocent youth by means of their delicious candy, their novelty T-shirts, and their insidious videos, Squirrels have now launched an all-out techno-offensive! I recently came across a so-called "Twitter feed" written by a Squirrel:

http://twitter.com/common_squirrel

Every chit-chit-chit, scratch and dig is lovingly described by the Twittering Squirrel. This outright glamorization of the Squirrel lifestyle has so far attracted over 14,000 followers, over 400 times more people than are currently following Alameda Mayoral Candidate Frank Matarrese:

http://twitter.com/FrankforMayor

If you ask me, Frank, like the rest of Alameda's candidates, are not paying a sufficient amount of attention to the threat of Squirrels. Now that their hollow trees are equipped with wi-fi and computers, there is no time to waste in wholeheartedly recommitting to Measure Acorn!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

[Editor note - In another sad testament to the journalistic ignorance of our readership, Ms. Jackson-Perge seems to have forgotten that the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel broke the Twittering Squirrel story over ten months ago, on May 26, 2009; however, given her pure-hearted devotion to Measure Acorn, we will let her off the hook…this time.]

Yet Another Reader Just Doesn't Get It

2010-03-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

Editor,

What's up with the great big headline on yesterday's story? I could read it from across the room, without my glasses.

Ever since you took over the Alameda Daily Noose from Roger Grumbel, it seems like it's been getting less like a noosepaper, and more like some kind of tabloid, with the garish colors, the big ads, and the unfounded conspiracy theories.

Roger always had some kind of basis for his wild conspiracy theories. It was easy to see what made him a nooseman in the classic sense, but what are your press credentials? How do we know you're not just pretending to be a journalist and making up all of these weird stories?

Dubious Reader

[Editor note - It's called investigative reporting. Of course, anonymous cowards like "Dubious Reader," like the rest of the benighted people in this town, wouldn't recognize real journalism if it bit them on the Asahi Shimbun. First of all, big stories' demand big headlines. We've been told that that is the first thing you learn in journalism school. As for the color, we understand that some rag called the San Francisco Chronicle just recently started using color. We're glad to see that they've caught up with us. We're sorry if our advertising offends your delicate sensibilities; I guess you just didn't realize that we're merely following the example of world-famous publications like The Economist and the Wall Street Journal, which also rely on tasteful and informative advertising, just like us. All of you so-called readers need to wake up and see that we are the only source of investigative journalism that has ever existed in the island city of Alameda, at least in living memory.]

SCHOOL DISTRICT HIRED ALIENS TO REDESIGN WEBSITE!

2010-03-09T04:07:00.000-08:00

Intrepid investigative reporter blows lid off scandal!

No-bid contract included ultra-long-distance calls, interplanetary travel expenses!

Last year, the Alameda Unified School District entered into a $65,536 contract with a Martian consulting firm for "design and programming of AUSD website redesign." The same firm worked on the successful passage of Measure Shech, the 20-yanuv extension of the ½-kuph sales tax used to fund intergalactic infrastructure projects such as the construction of the much-anticipated fourth wormhole of the Alpha Centauri hyperspace bypass.

Inaction Alameda News made the discovery in the process of watching Teenagers from Outer Space, a prescient 1959 documentary about the troubles that can arise controversial practice of filling space in Alameda's high schools with students from outside the district, drawing first from beyond the estuary and later, inevitably, from beyond the solar system. A close second watching of the film, followed by critical readings of several supporting comic books, finally allowed us to connect the dots you see here.

Zaxxov & Miag

According to our sources, Miimezh Zaxxov and Maghgheph Miag run a Mars-based "Interplanetary and Intergalactic Consulting" firm called "Zaxxov & Miag." On their hyperdimensional holographic infoportal, they list "grassroots organizing," "direct mail" and "armed invasion of Class-M planets" among their services offered. They don't list "website redesign and programming" as a service offered. Yet, in March, 2009, Zaxxov & Miag issued an invoice to AUSD for $65,536, with the explanation "Invoice for cost of website redesign and programming from 3/09-06/09."

This highly unusual no-bid contract immediately aroused our suspicions. Everybody knows that the school district's alleged website could not possibly have cost anywhere near $65,536 to redesign. This fine website, for example, is at least 65,536 times better than anything AUSD could put together, yet the revenue we receive from our advertising doesn't even begin to approach $65,536. The only possible explanation is that the funds were used for extraordinary purposes like ultra-long-distance holophone calls and interplanetary travel expenses.

Holophone calls to both Miimezh Zaxxov and Maghgheph Miag for comment on this story were not returned by press time.

Fans Agree That the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda is "Great"

2010-03-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

Recently, a brave anonymous hero left this comment on the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose:

Great Site. Was added to mybookmarks. Greetings From USA.

Clearly, this comment was made by a discerning reader with a keen intellect. This proves that the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose has a broad appeal even outside the island city of Alameda, since the commenter is sending greetings from that nearby landmass, the United States of America.

This is not the first time that a reader has given us high praise. So, all of those naysayers who make noises about this not being the greatest noosepaper ever, or about missing the editorial touch of Roger Grumbel, would do best to admit that they were wrong. And since they were wrong, there is no need for them to express their opinions on any other subject ever again, because those opinions are also sure to be wrong. Here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda, all of the work that we do is 100% great.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Mindset

2010-03-05T04:11:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you're probably the first person on your block to notice when a neighbor brings home a brand new, clean, green, hybrid SUV, or builds a solar-heated swimming pool. When I see something like that, I almost always think "Ooh! I wish I had one of those, or maybe even two or three."

Until recently, I felt guilty about coveting my neighbors' possessions this way, but then I had a mental breakthrough. You see, envy is a very green emotion. They don't call it "the green-eyed monster" for nothing! The more envy we feel, the greener we'll be! That means that it's not only good to take note of all the environmentally friendly products that our neighbors buy, but also to work at inspiring envy in them in return. We should always be sure to flaunt our newest green purchases as much as possible, preferably waving them around as soon as they are unloaded from the SUV, or exclaiming loudly when they are delivered on the flatbed truck.

Soon, your whole neighborhood will be buying more green products, which is good for the environment. They will probably also be getting rid of the old things they are replacing, most likely by recycling them, which is also good for the environment! That's what we call a win-win, so let's all remember how important it is to be green with envy.

Reader Hopes to Stop Bad Idea before It's Too Late

2010-03-04T04:46:00.000-08:00

Editor,

I was recently browsing the "Shop Park Street" web site in order to try to find a mechanic who can get my '37 Duesenberg back in good working order, when I saw the following shocking item:

The Alameda Theater is a masterpiece of Moderne architecture.…

Following its closure, the theater has been leased to a number of groups for various activities starting in 1979, including a roller skating rink, gymnastics school, and cabaret. There is intense interest within the community in having the theater returned to its original splendor and purpose.

I am outraged by the suggestion that any right-thinking Alamedan could think that this white elephant of a building should be rehabilitated and turned back into a movie theater. I predict doom and gloom for our fair city if that happens! Mark my words — young hooligans will run roughshod in the streets, and people from cities that are not Alameda will jam our bridges and tunnel in order to come see moving pictures in our town. The only thing worse than that would be using it as a roller rink. Everyone knows wheels should only be on cars, not on people.

For the good of Alameda, that theater needs to stay empty and boarded-up!

Fred Terwilliger

Red-Blooded All-Alamedan Man Doesn't Want Sweet Swedish Nuts Rammed Down His Throat

2010-03-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

Editor,

You won't believe what those socialist Scandinavians are trying to sneak into our island nation of Alameda! They are trying to sugar-coat it, but I can see that their so-called confections are nothing more than a way to ram the failed philosophy of sharing things down our throats.

Right on the package there, it says to "leave some nuts for our furry friends", by which they obviously mean Squirrels! Well, I'm sorry, but it's no use trying to placate an angry Squirrel. For all we know, that is exactly what would jump out of the bag in the photo, if anyone were foolish enough to actually open it! Note that the Swedish are having to smuggle these packaged socialist Squirrels in through Florida, and we all know that that means they must have come by way of Cuba. That is not the kind of product that we want here in Alameda. Alameda is nothing like Cuba. For one thing, Alameda is an island. When are people going to understand that?

Here in Alameda, we don't have any extra nuts to be throwing to the socialist Squirrels, with their cockamamie schemes for universal pecan coverage. We need every one of our nuts right here.

Lon Geddoff

It's the "Editorial Wii"!

2010-03-02T04:00:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that the Naitendo company's long-awaited "Editorial Wii" game will soon hit the market. The original plan for release of the game was delayed after testing of the prototype by real editors hit some snags. The game was designed to be played by multiple "editors" on a single board, all contributing to the point score for making balanced arguments. Unfortunately, Naitendo discovered that a few of the editors didn't have a leg to stand on, so the company added an option for playing the game while seated. The advantage of this change is that the game can now be played either alone or on a board with others.

Challenges in the Editorial Wii game include stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions. One controller is motion sensitive to allow the players to hone hand-waving skills with the goal of rapidly dismissing inconvenient counter-arguments, and another features an innovative knob for giving stories the perfect spin. The seated version of the Editorial Wii bears some resemblance to Naitendo's recent hit game, the "Royal Wii," but with a greater emphasis on leaning to the left and right at unpredictable intervals, and with less chopping off of heads.

The Editorial Wii requires the use of more controllers than the relatively simple orb and scepter set included in the Royal Wii game. Being an editor is much more complex and demanding than being a monarch, so those who adopt the Editorial Wii will have to be prepared to reach for the phone in between typing up opinion pieces and retroactively editing to avoid embarrassing corrections.

Delusional Reader Clings to Paranoid Fantasies, Pastries

2010-03-01T04:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Editor:

I read with disgust the anti-doughnut editorial disguised as a story in your Thursday edition. It's the same thing every time: some malcontent pulls a doughnut on a merchant, and suddenly you lilly-livered liberals are wringing your hands about the need for draconian doughnut control laws. Consider this, though: If dougnuts are outlawed, only outlaws will have dougnuts. Maybe that unruly customer would have thought twice about pulling his Bavarian cream if he knew the store owner was packing a loaded Danish for protection.

At the first sign of trouble, you bleeding hearts run and hide behind the skirt of the nanny state, crying, "Wah, Mommy, Mommy! There ought to be a law!" Well, you know what? We don't need more stinkin' laws; what we need is more good old-fashioned personal responsibility. After all, doughnuts don't shoot custard at people, people shoot custard at people.

Not only do your editorial opinions need adjusting, but you also can't get your facts straight. It was obvious from the drivel you published on Friday that you people in the hybrid-driving, latte-sipping world of the liberal media elite don't know anything about the U.S. military or national defense. Anyone who could think for one moment that the U.S. Army Special Forces Command is made up of a bunch of limp-wristed Gallic environmentalists clearly wouldn't know a commando from a cruller! In the wrong situation, confusing one of those for the other could be a deadly mistake. As anyone in the Armed Forces can tell you, doughnuts have a long history of military applications:

Indeed, our Founding Fathers, keenly aware of the threat posed by oppressive British pastries, enshrined in the U.S. Constitution the fundamental right of citizens to do whatever it takes defend themselves, their homes, their families, and their country:

A well regulated Bakery being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Dough-Nuts shall not be infringed.

So, go right ahead with your doughnut ban crusade, Mr. Williamson. You can have my doughnuts…when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!

Sincerely,
Chelton Harston

[Editor note - These doughnut nuts are dishonorable and dishonest. These aren't people the rest of Alameda can work with – they will say anything to push their pro-pastry agenda. Anyone who's been around can see that their arguments are full of holes. But free speech is good.]

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Hats Off to Our Green Heroes!

2010-02-26T04:59:00.000-08:00

We all know people in our community who deserve a medal for their tireless work to save the environment, but did you know that those green heroes can now receive an actual military honor? From what I've heard, it requires intense training, but those who successfully complete the course are awarded a Green Beret, and are qualified to take part in special operations. I can only assume that those special operations include challenging missions like cleaning oiled waterfowl, rescuing baby harp seals, and battling Spartina with some sort of amphibious combat gear. The wearing of the Green Beret must signify an ability to do all of this while also enjoying a dizzying variety of wines and cheeses, and being able to produce nasal vowel sounds that the rest of us only dream of. Oh, and I hear that their green pick-up lines are simply irresistible!

I hope I'm right about all this, because it's exciting to think that even with the difficult wars going on right now, our country cares enough about the future of our planet to assign green warriors to protect it. I mean, the U.S. Army has long been one of the greenest on the planet, but those olive drab uniforms can't really compete with the vibrant green of a Green Beret. We are taking environmentalism to a whole new level. So look out, evil polluters and careless consumers; the Special Forces will soon have you whipped into clean, green shape!

Commonsense Legislation Could Have Prevented Latest Shooting Incident

2010-02-25T04:05:00.000-08:00

Judging from a recent police report, and from authoritative rumors making the rounds, yeast-related crime is on the rise in Alameda:

Tuesday, February 16

DOUGHNUT DISPUTE: Police said a customer at a Central Avenue doughnut joint smashed a glass sugar bowl after he became angry when some spare custard erupted from the tasty cake. Police said that at 7:05 a.m. today, the suspect became hostile with a worker at the doughnut shop after custard shot out of the top of his doughnut. The pair argued, police said, and the suspect tried to push over a glass display case filled with doughnuts. The suspect then smashed a glass sugar container on the floor of the shop and left. The container was valued at two dollars.

This ugly custard shooting incident underlines the inherent danger of allowing these kind of pastries in our community. Clearly, there would be less anger, and less property damage, if the City of Alameda would simply ban all doughnuts. Yet, when faced with blatant doughnut controversies, our elected officials seem to just glaze over. We can't count on them to fight against the unholy alliance between big Pastry and Big Cream, even when that cream is literally shooting out of doughnuts.

What will it take to wake up Alamedans to the doughnut threat - the blood of a child? Call us old-fashioned, but we think children and life are important.

You've Got to Admit, We're Getting Better

2010-02-24T04:32:00.000-08:00

Mr. Williamson:

Why don't you ever write about the Alameda music scene the way Roger did? You haven't mentioned Alameda's own "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band even once since you took over the Daily Noose. There could be a scandal going on right now at the ACLO, and I wouldn't even know about it from reading your Alameda Daily Noose. I don't know if you have what it takes to run a noosepaper. Roger did it better.

Bitterly,
Jim Crowley

[Editor note - What Mr. Crowley fails to realize is that there is objective analysis showing that the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose is just as good as the ordinary Daily Noose ever was, if not better. A brave commenter on this very site just recently pointed out what a good job we do of covering the most important events in Alameda:

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!

Unlike the anonymous cyber-bullies who viciously attacked our outstanding coverage of Zeppelins, this hero has chosen to remain anonymous in order to protect himself and his income from Mr. Crowley and his ilk. Freed from fear of retribution from the "powerful people" that dominate the so-called Alameda music scene and Roger Grumbel fan club, he was finally able to tell the truth: the new Action Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Action Alameda is more creative, more original - in short, more better - than the old Alameda Daily Noose ever was.]

Miss Grumpy Alameda Shoots for the Stars, and Sometimes Wounds Them

2010-02-23T04:13:00.000-08:00

The newly chosen Miss Grumpy Alameda will soon be heading off to her next hurdle in the competitive world of grump contests, the Miss Grumpy California pageant. In past years, the California title has gone to paragons of grump from other cities, but Alameda's chosen grump could really be a contender this year! We have a good feeling about her chances, and we're not saying that just because we're paid to. Although it's true that we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda, we also happen to think that her bid for the Grump trophy is the biggest news of the day, and we would be publishing it even if we weren't being paid.

We wish we could say the same of those other "newspapers" in town. Not a single one of them has even whispered about this earth-shaking development in our community. It's gotten to the point where we are wondering whether we should suggest that we would bribe them to give Miss Grumpy more press exposure, but of course no reputable journalist would ever stoop to offering bribes, even if the undoubtedly corrupt editors of his rival publications would be sure to accept those bribes. So, for the record, we are "not" offering to bribe anyone, and will continue to singlehandedly promote Miss Grumpy Alameda while also being forced to provide the only independent, unbiased coverage of her progress toward her admirable goal.

So far, Miss Grumpy Alameda has successfully submitted her profile and head shots along with the other paperwork required for application to the Miss Grumpy California contest. As stated in her application, Miss Grumpy Alameda's hobbies are whining, complaining, marathon rants, baking cookies, and belittling celebrities. Once, when a film crew showed up in her neighborhood to use the street as a location, Miss Grumpy greeted them and their so-called permit with a loaded shotgun. To this day, she prides herself on having grazed the scalp of a major motion picture star.

Anonymous Cowards Clearly Don't Know Much about Latest Developments in Zeppelins

2010-02-22T04:29:00.000-08:00

We here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda understand that some people - let us call them "people who agree with us" for short - wish to divorce their local political activities from their professional life, for the sake of preserving their income, and still others - known for the sake of brevity as "people who don't agree with us" - are just plain cowards or cyber-bullies that won't put their name behind what they say, and it makes them feel strong to hurl anonymous epithets at others online.

That is why we will defend to our heroic deaths the right of people who agree with us to post anonymous comments, and that is why we will stop at nothing to expose and condemn the cowardly anonymous cyber-bullying perpetrated by people who don't agree with us.

It didn't take long for these bottom-feeders who don't agree with us to crawl up from the ooze where they reside and sully our comment section with their vile dreck. Just listen to what one of them had to say about our story about the new BART station in Alameda:

Notice how the new Park St. BART station already has signs for the so-called Air-Train? Only a week after federal grants were pulled from the Oakland Airport to Coliseum BART John Knocks Whyte and the evil forces of Big Helium got the exclusive contract to fly people aboard "Air-Trains" from the new Park St. station. These so-called "Air-Trains" are just a euphemism for those dangerous Zeppelins. I'm sure Roger Grumble would not have left a hole in a story so big, you could drive a truck through it. Roger Grumble even covered the dangerous Zeppelin mast built atop the Giant Parking Garage That Everyone Hates.

I must say that the level of integrity and intellectual curiousity of the Alameda Daily Noose has declined markedly under the editorship of Dave Williamson and his legion of InAction Alameda members.

This coward immediately loses all credibility by spelling Roger Grumbel's name wrong, then goes on to misspell "curiosity" and write "Inaction Alameda" with incorrect capitalization. There is a Zen proverb, "The way a man does one thing is the way he does everything." For those of you who don't understand the finer points of Eastern philosophy the way we do, that means that if someone who doesn't agree with us makes even one mistake when writing something, then everything he ever writes is always wrong.

Sensing what appeared to be an opportunity, a second anonymous cyber-bully piled on with this tirade:

Yes, this is OUTRAGEOUS!!!! Where is Roger Grumbel to stop these marauding Airships?

We ALREADY had blimp traffic jams on our roads before the greedy interests of Big Helium began blocking out our sun, light and air with these monstrous behemoths.

Obviously, these two cowards haven't read Inaction Alameda's ground-breaking whitepaper, "Inflated Promises: Exposing the Rising Zeppelin Threat to Alameda." This whitepaper is the culmination of minutes upon minutes of scholarly research, including multiple citations from multiple issues of Scientific Alamedan. It goes without saying that this is an internationally respected peer-reviewed scientific journal; after all, it has the word "scientific" right there in the title.

The most recent Scientific Alamedan article cited in our whitepaper covers the whole "Air Train" issue in great detail. It is dated December 4 of '09, a mere two months ago. On the other hand, the last Zeppelin story published by Roger "Grumble," the supposed hero of these anonymous cyber-cowards, was July 7 of '09, which was seven months ago, and it didn't even mention the Air Train. Clearly, these anonymous cowards don't know much about the latest developments in Zeppelins. They would be wise to keep their mouths shut and read our whitepaper, that is - if they can read without moving their lips.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Valentine

2010-02-19T04:03:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you have trouble remembering that cut flowers need to have some water added to their vases even after Valentine's Day. I don't know how many times I've forgotten to water and ended up with roses that are all dry and droopy.

You might think that the only thing to do with those flowers now is to toss them in your gray bin and send them to the landfill, but wait! I have a great tip for recycling them into something that you can use every day. Simply remove the dried leaves and petals from your flowers, then take an old slip, coat the front of it with heavy-duty epoxy, and apply the flower parts to create an attractive sundress. Allow to dry according to the epoxy directions, and then decorate the back of the slip. Once both sides are dry, brush the surface with an additional layer of epoxy to ensure that your dead flowers will keep blooming for years.

Now, if you didn't get any flowers for Valentine's Day, don't feel left out. Just about anyone can find something to recycle after the holiday, whether that means candy-wrapper crafts projects or heart-shaped lampshades. In fact, you can even recycle a threadbare relationship. I recently came across a song on that subject, and it reminded me of a certain young recycling truck driver I once dated.

Needless to say, it didn't work out, but boy did he know how to sort plastics! I thought you might like to share this song with me, and if you want, you can share any fond memories it brings up about love, or recycling, or both, and send them to me in care of:

alamedadailynoose@gmail.com

Who knows? Your green musings might even find it into a future column!

Book Selection - Helping Kids Get Grumpy

2010-02-18T04:57:00.000-08:00

[Editor Note: This is a special book feature exclusive to the Alameda Daily Noose. We know you would rather be watching television, as all Right-thinking Alamedans do, but it may be worth your time to fetch one or more of these books to read to your children and grandchildren. Be sure to shop locally, at bookstores like Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, and Borders!]
Are you troubled by the perpetually sunny, singing child or grandchild in your life? A great way to communicate with youngsters is to read them a colorful, picture-filled book, especially one with animal characters. What a better way to teach the youngster in your life how to be grumpy than to give them the gift of a book that they can read (and be read to) over and over again. It's never too early to teach the next generation how to view the glass as half-empty!

BART Service Comes to Alameda

2010-02-17T04:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, BART cut the ceremonial ribbon and began sending its famed underground trains into and out of Alameda.

We here at the Alameda Daily Noose have mixed feelings about this. While certainly we are happy to have visitors come to Alameda, from other Right-Thinking parts of the world (if there are any, that is), but we are not too keen on the idea of anybody wanting to actually LEAVE our fair island city.

We call upon the BART board of directors to suspend outbound service from Alameda. This will save about fifty percent of the budget in our troubled economy, so it's a win-win for everybody concerned. We are sure that BART will be inclined to consider this frugal suggestion, since they are actively looking for ways to make up the budget deficit they created to fund the Alameda extension.

In their press release announcing the new station, BART stated that they are considering closing down several older stations, and transferring those maintenance and staffing funds to make up for the construction, maintenance and staffing costs of the new station. Meanwhile, plans for future extensions are already underway.

Once Again, Alameda Daily Noose Editor Forced to Point Out the Obvious to Clueless Reader

2010-02-16T04:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Roger,

I notice that Dave Williamson has not listed his email address on the "new" Daily Noose, but I trust you can forward this to the young man.

Thank you,
Imelda Jackson-Perge

Dear Mr. Williamson,

I congratulate you on your new position as Editor of the Alameda Daily Noose. However, as you are a relative newcomer to our community, I fear you have not given the crushing defeat of Measure B and the saving of our Treasured Isle the respect it deserves. I feel that with this pivotal event in our island's history, we have now reached what philosopher Francis Fukuyama once referred to as "the end of history." What better way to celebrate than by leaving the pages of the Noose blank? Only by featuring no content at all can you truly represent the fact that Alameda will now be the same, forever and ever.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

[Editor note - What kind of an idiot would take a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper with a huge and growing readership and leave it blank indefinitely? That would amount to journalistic suicide! Clearly, Mrs. Perge needs to educate herself about how to handle a major noosepaper rebranding campaign without alienating its loyal reader base.

Speaking of self-education, we had hoped that the old loyal readers of the Alameda Daily Noose would be a little quicker on the uptake, but clearly they lack the technical sophistication demanded by our quantum leap to Noosepaper 3.0. Obviously, if you want to send a letter to the Alameda Daily Noose, you should send it to alamedadailynoose@gmail.com, not run crying to your old friend Roger Grumbel for help. Fortunately Rog took pity on poor Mrs. Perge this time, but other readers may not be so lucky. Despite the fact that it should be obvious, trivial and left to our readers we have added a new section to our front page - a sort of electronic "masthead" if you will - with instructions for contacting us. We can only hope this redundancy will speed the adjustment of any remaining slow learners out there, bless their quilted and crocheted hearts.]